Thanks! Yep, BpRN-it could be a mixed state, especially with all that is going on inside and outside. Unfortunately my pdoc is on pregnancy leave for four months. She told me I could call if necessary, but she is about 500 miles away where her husband is finishing his residency. Yes, I could go to see someone else in the practice, but this is a very hard step for me to take.
OMG, what is it about cleaning the bathroom? I haven't used a toothbrush, but our bathroom is completely made of white tile, and for a couple of months I have been obsessing about getting all of the grout clean. I have a brush and clorox. Some of my clothes have been ruined because I will take up this project at any time, not when I am prepared with cleaning supplies.
Actually right now I am willing myself not to stop my meds. Again, I know, as we all do, that this can cause major problems. The only thing that is stopping me is the fact that I don't have a safety net in case I get the wrong outcome. Since I refuse to see anyone other than my own pdoc, I don't have anyone to help if needed. The reason why I want to stop the meds (I would taper off!) is because I have taken some combination of meds for the past 20 years, and I really want to start over with the real me.
Yes, Innerzone, you are right. I am not a kid-52 trips around the sun! And, yes, I have learned many survival skills along the way. My t gave me this card to read each morning and evening, positive affirmations that are supposed to change my thinking-I believe I did something similar a couple of years ago, a CBT thing. One of the things on the card is that I will allow others to accept me as I am. I think this is ironic, because the real me would never be someone I would want them to know! The real "as I am" would give them lots of gossip to work with! I do read my card diligently, though.
Anxietygirl, isn't it funny how we are able to perform so well at our jobs? When the testing said that I probably wouldn't be able to hold down a job, I knew this was wrong, because my job is the one place is where I am content and don't have to over analyze the world. When I am teaching, I am free from myself.
Thanks for the positives!!!
Bluemountains