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Old Jun 16, 2003, 02:58 PM
wubba118 wubba118 is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2003
Posts: 2
Dad died 5 years ago. Mom's been a handful ever since. At 1st, she was just seriously emotional (understandable). But she relied on me very heavily. Eventually, I moved 2 hours away. We've had our ups and downs. Two weeks ago, we had another "down," & I've hit the breaking point w/ her. Went to a wedding. Had a few drinks. A great time. This was dad's family. Mom was NEVER comfortable around them. Liked to show me off thruout my childhood. That was her only way to compete w/ these people, I guess. On the car ride home, I was talking family stuff w/ a cousin - the only one on dad's side I've ever been close to. Yeah, I had a few drinks. Was pretty tipsy (but not falling down drunk). However, now I can't get my mom to talk to me. This happens whenever I'm not her version of the perfect daughter in public. She won't take my calls. Leaves messages that we shouldn't stop by when we're in town, etc. If I don't make dozens of attempts to get her on the phone, I'll hear about how I don't care enough to apologize for my behavior. If I call her, I just end up talking to the answering machine for weeks on end. I have gotten the silent treatment one too many times @ this point & my ability to remain patient in these situaitons is gone. She used to pull silent treatments on dad whenever they'd fight. And I resent that she uses the same argument strategy on me that she used on my dad. I hate that I have to be perfect for her and no matter how hard I try, its never enough. And if I confront her, she's throws herself this enormous pity party, and lays the guilt on BIG TIME. If I confront her, she says some very hurtful things. Its like this ugly side of her, thoughts that she can't control, come flying out of her mouth. When her dog died, she called to tell me. She phrased it as, "another person I love has left me." When we're out w/ people, she talk about the long years of my father's illness in detail. It makes me so uncomfortable. But if I ask her not to talk about it, then I don't care to remember my father. Getting back to this wedding, my relationship w/ my father's family is not perfect. My mom wants to simply attend functions, show off her successful soon-to-be son-in-law, talk about how successful her daughter is, how attractive, how slender, what a beautiful car my daughter drives, blah-blah-blah. She wants me to smile & pretend that everything's perfect. Well, I'm not that person. I'm a straight shooter. I don't BS family on my feelings. So, when my cousin started talking about some of the family situations that had occurred in the past, I was honest. And even if I really laid out ALOT of feelings I have about my family, so what? We had left the reception, it was a private conversation in the car & I was being honest. I am a grown woman & how I interact w/ family is none of her business. So, I feel she has no right to be angry @ me for any conversation I have w/ my family or whether or not I have a few drinks @ a wedding reception. Problem is, whenever this stuff happens, it takes WEEKS to find out exactly WHY she's angry w/ me. And its always something minor. And by that point, I'm so furious & having to take time out of my schedule for WEEKS talking to her answering machine, that I'm furious and there's no hope in resolving anything. I don't know how to handle this situation. If I let her finally call me, then I'm a bad daughter & I don't care. If I call her, its just more frustration talking to an answering machine. And now I'm so angry w/ her that we can't possibly discuss this rationally. But the worst part is that I don't know how to stop her from acting like this again in the future. She's immature, controlling, jealous & lonely. And I've lost my patience. When she get's over emotional she always said, "I'm just an emotional person. That's just my nature." She allows herself the ability to act however she wants. But as her daughter, I have to meet HER CRITERIA on how I'm allowed to openly feel. That's not fair. At this point, I don't like my mother at all and I don't know what to do. All I know is that we have our wedding in 4 months, I've had 3 funerals this week, the company I work for was sold, I just got a promotion, & we're dealing w/ some family issues on fiance's side. I do not need this from my mother right now. Please help me. How do I approach these communication issues of hers???