For about a year to a year and a half now I have been struggling with the idea of actually having a mental disorder as opposed to just having crazy teenage hormones.

First I thought that I maybe had depression but then I realized that I wasn't actually constantly sad. Sometimes I feel so despairingly sad, empty and hopeless and I feel like I can never not feel like this, and I get suicidal thoughts and self harm. These feelings last anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks but then when they change I can feel great and positive about everything and basically on top of the world. I looked into bipolar disorder but my mood swings aren't as extreme.
I recently found out about BPD from watching a youtuber who has it and I felt like it almost summed me up minus a few of the criteria....

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
I don't find that I experience this exactly but I have read widely that people suffering with BPD get incredibly distressed when they are alone. I found that when my best friend left for ten days earlier this year and also when she left for 6 weeks last year I felt incredibly unstable and hopeless and low and I had suicidal thoughts.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

I had a "relationship" if you could call it that last year with a boy that I was completely obsessed with and we only went out for around a month and a half. But sometimes I would alternate between feeling really in love with him and then thinking how stupid I could have been to think that and subsequently finding him revolting? He dumped me and I felt terribly depressed for ages and now I can't imagine how I could have liked him. Also with my relationship with my best friend, I often find myself feeling almost "in love" with her and then sometimes feeling like she's manipulative and selfish etc.. etc.. but I never act on this hate or anything.


3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

I have pretty low self esteem and sometimes I go through moments of a few hours/days where I am really despairingly distressed about my image and how it doesn't "feel" like me. And I change ideas about what I want my image to be all the time and I buy clothes that aren't really my style and constantly change.


4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

I spend pretty compulsively and I have trouble in saving money. Well, I never save any money. I always spend everything I have when I go shopping (although it's not much). I am more attracted to alcohol and drugs than my peers and have always been one of the first to try these. I don't abuse these but I don't exactly have a constant supply. Once I bought a vodka bottle from my friend and I kept it in my room and drank it every night until my mum found it (oops). Oh and when I didn't have weed I heard you could smoke nutmeg (lol) so I tried that. Idk that's probably not relevant at all. I self harm, but I don't do it regularly any more. I used to self harm almost every day but now it's only when I feel the extreme need to (and for some reason this isn't always when I feel low?). And I have really ****ed up eating habits. I go through phases of restriction to about 500 calories a day and then I will binge eat for days-weeks-months depending on how much I lose self control.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

I have self harmed and had suicidal thoughts. I don't think I would act on these, but unfortunately I have used suicide as a threat in an intense argument before which I feel rather ashamed about. :/

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Yep. I get this fairly often.


7. chronic feelings of emptiness

Yes.

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

I would consider myself a "good person" most of the time but sometimes I feel like there is a switch that goes off and in arguments with my mum I will become incredibly angry and I find it hard to stop. This is fairly frequent.

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
I'm not sure I understand this but on occasion I feel very dissociated. The other day I left school early (a break in my routine so it made me feel weird) and I was going to go home but instead I walked to the mall and took a lot of unnecessary detours where I bought food and sat down. And then when I went to the mall I bought a ticket for a movie that started in 2 hours and then after about 20 minutes of sitting in the cinema by myself I realised this was stupid and I got a refund. I then went to the bus to go home but I took so many unnecessary detours. This continued until I got home. When I got home I felt incredibly weird and like a day had passed since I was at the mall. And I felt very "out of myself" if that makes sense? Oh and also today when I woke up I felt like I had just woken up from a coma or something I felt very strange and like everything was unfamiliar despite being at home.

Now, I realise that I probably should go to a psychiatrist or something like that at some stage and I intend to, but I am worried because I am a minor, because of their duty of care they'll have to tell my parents about self harm and disordered eating. What do you guys think? Do you think I should look into BDP as a possibility? Or is all this just a mixture of weirdness and teenage hormones?
Thankyou