Um, no, the opposite really, I'm about as non-violent as it gets. In fact, I was (ok, still am, but am working on it) very much a doormat and punching bag for the world at large. I always just "took it" and never fought back. In all kinds of situations, from normal childhood teasing/bullying to work situations to consumer situations like being ripped off by a repair shop. In retrospect, that all makes sense, because any attempt to challenge him growing up brought hellfire raining down upon not just me, but also more intensely on my mother, so I had not only fear but also guilt for bringing it down on her. My MO in facing aggression was to try to survive the moment, and then fall apart in private.

Interestingly, I have been in one physical fight in my life -with him. I was about 22-23, and I found out he had, for several years, been telling people in his circle of whoever the hell those people were, friends/work contacts, that my mother and I had sex in front of him on a regular basis to "spite" him. It was the last straw, I vowed to get him out if our lives forever. My mother was afraid to leave him, she said he would hunt her down and kill her. And I believe he was fully capable of that, would have been one if those murder-suicide things you see on the news. I got an attorney with experience in MH and domestic situations, got her to start the divorce paperwork, got her to her brother's with the help of several of her relatives who were basically strangers to me. Weird stuff was going down, he cleaned out all of their bank accounts, etc, and was planning something dire, I'm sure of that. Well, I was doing my own reconnaissance, whatever I could to try to get him away for us. And, I caught up with him, or he with me really, at the house. I had a strategy, let him attack me so I could have him charged and possibly held for psych observation. It went in about 2 minutes from extreme screaming to slugging it out. My sister was with me, my oldest sister who "got it" about him more than the others, who were in pretty deep denial about how and the abuse was. She called 9-11. He threw the first punch, but I went kinda nuts and hit back as hard as I could ... Long story short, we both ended up in the back of separate police cars, and I almost got arrested, and he, being a chameleon who could charm the world and lie through his teeth, blamed it all on me - and the cops got to hear how I had sex with my mother. They let us both go, I was falling apart at that point and told them I didn't,want to press charges, and for whatever reason he didn't against me. But, a little while after, I realized I had more cojones than I thought. Not much, mind you, but at least a little.

One of the things I told myself after I fell apart big time last year and ended up at the hospital was that I needed to get tough. Really tough, because that is the only way to survive. I fell apart because I was weak. Or so I thought. I have kind of revised my thinking. Strong isn't the same as tough.

I did do one thing that I thought would bring out aggression in an acceptable way. I took boxing lessons. I thought it would be like staring him down, facing him like a man again, that I could somehow psychologically get a "do-over" with any random guy serving his role as my competitor. The first couple of sessions I guess I thought I was going to be Rocky or something - well, that lasted about two sessions. Because I quickly found out at that level, it was just a fun, healthy way to get a good workout. And that the trainer and other guys were very friendly, great guys, not what I expected, not young, "tough guys" but all older professionals, doctors, attorneys, cpa's, so I fit right in and made friends. After a few weeks, nothing about it felt aggressive, I was having too much fun, it was all very lighthearted and good natured - hard to feel aggressive trying to throw and deflect punches with another guy when it feels like a couple of kids goofing around having a good time. Found myself laughing at the conversation during sparring, it was so not an aggression situation. It was a great upper body workout though.