My main concerns are the following: I'm 25 and have no college degree or a career path. I also struggle with depression, a boatload of internalized emotional pain, social anxiety, very high avoidance tendencies, and a general distrust of human beings in general.

The lack of progress has absolutely nothing to do with my work ethic or lack thereof. I'm actually very hard working and ambitious. I do well in both work and academic environments barring very large wrenches that will absolutely destroy my performance. And because of this, the more time that passes with me doing nothing, the more I'm unsure of what to do with my life. And I mean that in a very bad way.

I very badly want to go back to school and finish, then start on a career path so I can feel like a real person and a proper contributing member of society. But, I'm scared. I'm scared of going through the same crash and burn process that I've gone through three times now, each time worse.

The root is a very toxic family situation. And I've thought long and hard about if I'm just making excuses for it, but I honestly think that that's the direct cause. But I don't know how to remove it. I've also tried to just put on my big person pants and just deal with it, but that led directly to crash #3 and four months of being in a very bad place mentally and emotionally, and the almost year of no contact with anyone.

I know this sounds weird since most people would think 25 and living with parents with no future aspirations = moocher, but I'd honestly sell my kidney if it'd get me out and a proper life path. I'm sure this sounds like a very bad exaggeration, but it's really not.

I have money saved in case I honestly can't take it anymore and need to disappear in the night. I am pretty resourceful and know how to get by on very little. I even have written plans with emergency shelter addresses and how to live out of my car if it comes to that.

But the issue with my home life is well, I guess I experience a kind of "shock". The symptoms are the same every time. I get nervous around people. I don't want to see anyone. I avoid studying. I avoid everything. Getting any kind of attention makes me nervous. So I basically become a shut in hermit. I eat less or don't want to eat. I either can't sleep or spend all day sleeping. If I try to study, I spend hours staring at the same page and then get frustrated because I can't focus at all. I get irritable too which furthers me not wanting to see people. If I go out in public, to even cope I have to pretend like I'm wearing some kind of disguise so people can't see me. I have constant feelings of not wanting to exist. And I have frequent imaginings of some kind of terrible incident happening to end my existence (like if I'm on a bus, I secretly hope the bus will crash and explode).

When I went to school this happened very consistently every time it came close to me having to go home (I lived in a dorm at first and then went to school from home) and it got worse every time. My professor even asked me what on earth happened since I was a top student in his class and my grade died super hard in a very short period of time like two weeks before finals.

Anyway, this led my grades to bomb and I was so ashamed that I just left. I thought I could live a more productive life on my own and it was impossible for me to live up to my parent's expectations for me. (My relatives thought I became a drug addict or got pregnant. What great people.)

But in the year I was gone, my brother went into a very deep depression. He lost a ton of weight. He cried a lot because well, I left very suddenly just like my father, so I guess he felt abandoned. I still feel very bad about this by the way. We don't actually speak to each other much and we'll get into fights occasionally, but I do get along much better with him than my parents.

My parents were also upset and also ended up making very bad financial decisions due to their lack of English (which they were very clear on pointing out is my fault). And I guess things got so bad at home that I felt bad and came back. If I could go back in time and stop myself, I would. I regret this very much. If I were to point out the biggest mistake in my life besides not being an emotional robot and just dealing with my family's crap while dealing with school so I could get the hell away with a much better financial situation, that would be it.

So now here I am. I want to go back to school, but I'm very scared of another crash. I don't think I could take it. The last time I honestly considered suicide because it felt that crushing. I didn't though because as much as I hate my parents, I don't want to give them that bad of a shock. I also don't want my brother to cry like that again.

I've asked to leave and live on my own, but my parents said no (well, most specifically, my mother went full Korean drama on me with the suicide threats and everything). But I don't even think living on my own would be enough. I'd need to live on my own with no contact from them and give myself a mental kick in the pants everyday.

On top of that, my grades are totally destroyed. Well, it's the kind of thing where I have no one to blame but myself, but the last time I was in class was about two weeks into the quarter. I had a panic attack and left in the middle of lecture and never came back to campus again. Well, I tried, but when I tried to get on the city bus to go to campus, I vomited and then went right back home. I spent a couple weeks crying and about three-four months in a public library trying to re-teach myself to read since studying was a total lost cause for me. I'd stare at a page and it'd look like total gibberish to me.

Sorry for the TLDR; and I know this is a really weird situation, but does anyone have advice for how I could help myself out of this situation? I really really want to go back to school. I really want to salvage my life.

But, for this to be possible, two things need to happen:
1) I need to go to school and get a job that'll allow me to be independent.
2) I need to very nicely tell my parents to get over themselves and let me live my life.
3) I need to get through school and I guess somehow cope with panic attacks that I'll likely have and major anxiety.

I'm worried about because my parents are a giant wrench in that plan. They'll provide finances for school, but they also have well... really unreasonable expectations. Not about studying (well, they do, but it's not a big concern), but more about time management. It's not unusual for them to expect me to be in two places at once.

Plus, living with them I frequently (multiple times daily) get things shoved on me that they should do themselves, along with things they expect me to magically figure out. Example: They gave me a 200 page commercial lease and told me to read it and explain it to them when we can hardly get through a conversation about breakfast that goes beyond them telling me what they want me to cook. And they called me impatient and unreasonable when I gave up after the first hour.

My parents and I have never communicated well. It's language/cultural barriers, and sometimes I wonder if they have some kind of mental disorder because I've had people who do speak their language try to communicate with them and that didn't work out great. Plus as a bonus, it got them mad at me for bringing shame to the family by letting someone else know the family dirty laundry.

I don't know if they simply refuse to understand me or if they're maybe unable to? But I don't think it's entirely cultural/language because I frequently speak to and get along with people who are first generation immigrants and we get along and understand each other fine. In fact, they're usually relieved because they feel that it's hard for them to get someone who understands them well.