So this time every year for the last 6 years now, my mum and my gran go on holiday to Turkey. This gives me the house to myself for three weeks of the year, it's the only three weeks of the year I can ever truly have total time to myself without having to think of anybody else being in the house, having to adjust my sleep to fit them, eating when they are hungry, not showering in the middle of the night and generally just not having to speak to people at all. I look forward to it so much!

But alas, every single fecking time, my brother decides to turn up unannounced. My brother who hasn't lived at home in 7 years, he has a flat in a city about an hour away and a job and a life of his own. But for some reason, whenever my mum goes on holiday he turns up.

I know this may sound selfish, or silly to some people, but I actually hate it. Waking up this morning with a clear plan of action in my mind; have something to eat with a cup of tea (the usual morning starter), have a shower and get dressed, help mum and gran with their final packing arrangements, take them to the airport, come home and have some dinner, relax and enjoy my first night of peace and quiet all to myself...

Then I wake up and hear my brother's voice booming through the house and with it goes all sense of purpose for the day, my plans are scuppered and I feel crap. After a few minutes I start thinking, "It's fine, it's only a day, you can do it all tomorrow", so I ask him when he's heading back up the road, to which he replies "erm, not sure really, not back at work til Thursday so I might just hang out here, I'll see how I feel"................. I actually want to get in my car, drive away and never come back.

Why can't people, even my own family, ever seem to grasp that "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" is not an answer I can process? It's something that throws my brain into turmoil because now I can't make any plans, I never know if he's going to be here, or not. If he's going to have friends over, or not. If he's going to need to eat dinner that I'm going to have to cook, or not. I don't live on "I don't know, let's wing it", I live on "this is my plan for the day, none of it is optional and times are to be followed to the letter". It's how I survive the chaos of the world, by having my little corner where things go to plan.

Sometimes I really wish I could live on my own, have my own place and my own space and never let a soul enter it. But sadly, I have major anxiety problems caused by a mixture of my AS and OCD and when I tried living on my own before, it did not go well at all so I had to move home. But living in what was the 'family home' seems like it's an open invitation for anybody to just turn up and it's considered totally acceptable.

Sorry, I just really needed to rant somewhere that people may actually understand how this feels for me.