I wrote how I feel tonight as I was searching around the web about depression. I tend to do that a lot. Then I found this site and thought it might help me if I share my thoughts since it's just something I can never do. So I'll paste that here. It's even hard for me to do that because my anxiety level is just so high. I feel so worried about everything.

- I feel guilty about everything there could possibly be to feel guilty about, from not being a good enough mom to saying something to someone that might have been taken the wrong way.

- My head wont stop shouting at me

- I'm worried about everything almost enough to think that the only answer is suicide

- I don't want to think about our debt but its impossible to turn off and its overwhelming

- I don't think anything I do is good enough

- I don't think anyone likes me

- I envision myself looking like a monster or something, especially when I see bad photos of me I just can't get over on how gross I look. Even if I have photos where I look perfect, the image of ugly stays in my mind. I honestly seem to call myself a monster daily. I just will never look good enough for myself.

- I rather not talk to anyone because I know they dont want to hear me talk, maybe I am sounding too down lately and everyone is picking up on it and they just roll their eyes and wish I would shut up so I'm trying. Even people on Forums.

- I can't cry openly because it's too much effort to hide from my son so I cry on the inside

- I don't feel like I'm ever going to get anywhere in life and I'm just using up space. Maybe Chase(boyfriend) could get along a lot better without me in his way.

- I constantly am thinking about every bad experience I've ever had, that is relativly small bad experiences but it feels like they are eating at me. Like how do I go back and fix it all? Things that are so far out of my control too.

- I feel bad about how I feel and if I turn to anyone they just wont get it. I can't afford meds or a doctor and that wouldn't help anyways. I've tried pills before and it made it worse.So my problem is just a burden on anyone else if I try to even explain it. I don't even have a car or license to go to a support group.

- I read that it's bad for children if their moms are depressed it like rubs off on them so I want to be healthy for him but it's like a losing battle. I just don't know what to do.

- I dont think anything is just going to work out for the better, like financially, school, anything.. I just think my life is doomed. So why go on with a doomed life.

- Chase thinks I should go to a mental institution for being depressed but that doesn't seem right. I think he just wants to get rid of me and not deal with me if I am depressed. So I don't want to tell him. He wont understand. NO ONE will understand.

- I've been depressed for as long as I remember. I'm always looking for "the" answer but I never can find it. Sometimes I convince myself I have cancer and maybe that would spark some attention. I do crave people's attention. It makes me feel reallllly guilty but it's hard feeling alone. I want to be loved but the problem is what if I am loved but I just can't see it? It's really hard to tell.