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Hello everyone,
This is my first time on Psych Central forums - I joined today when I learned that my father had died in his sleep last night.
My father physically abused my brother, sister and I due to his anger/control issues, and instead of apologizing (after a severe episode) he'd buy us something or take us somewhere - so I have good memories and traumatic memories..
I was put in to foster care at the age of 12, and shortly returned home due to my siblings not speaking out (they were, like me, terrified of his wrath) - I returned home and my father told me that he could no longer love nor trust me the same way he did my brother and sister. That because of my actions, he couldn't walk down the street without people staring at him like a monster. I believed him, and believed myself to be the worst kind of spoiled brat, until my sister told me the truth at the age of 24.
I stopped speaking to my parents when I discovered the truth, that I had not lied or exaggerated in any way about the chaos/terror that went on in my house, and before I could gather the courage to confront them about this, he died.
I always thought I would be free when he passes away - because he couldn't condescend me or hit me again - instead I feel crushing guilt and sorrow that so many things we left unsaid between us. I wanted to hear him say he was sorry, that he loved me, that he was proud of me.. instead I have to live with the fact that he said the exact opposite and never treated me the same as my siblings (as they didn't "tattle" on him).
I feel alone, and I feel like I am a bad person for ignoring him for the past year or two, we never made amends or even saw eye to eye on what happened to our father-daughter relationship, and now I have to live with never having told him the truth.
Maybe that is for the best, maybe he would have said more hurtful things to me if I had "come clean" - but I can't help but feel terrible that I never told him.
Does anyone know what I am going through? or have any words of advice to offer me?
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