I try my best to be happy and to stay positive, but it's so hard when you lack so many things. Technically I am considered homeless since the landlord doesn't know I live here and because where I live is not suited for living in. I live in an unfinished basement with a decent bathroom. There are no windows where I live so the air quality is very bad and there is so much dust build up no matter how hard I clean. My significant other said the dust build up is from the exposed fiberglass above us. We don't have a real ceiling, it's just the floor of the upstairs and fiberglass between each board. The carpet is not maintained and had cat fecal mater on it and it's too disgusting to clean. There is no heat and cooling since it is an unfinished basement and in the winter it's colder than outside and when it's humid the pipes above us drip water. We live in a tiny room since another person takes up 80% of the basement and he's a hoarder with cats that he never cleans after. Our bedroom is small and it is our living room, our bedroom, and where we eat. We are only able to have a mini fridge and because of our room the food inside goes bad quickly and we can't have bread since it molds in a couple of days. The bathroom is the only sink we have and it's where we keep our dishes. We don't have a stove so we can't cook where we live, we can only use a microwave. We don't have a pantry, we have plastic bins that contain our food. We don't have a dresser so we keep our clothes under our bed, on top of our bed, and on his computer chair. Our bed has a broken frame which is something we will eventually fix, it's a futon bed since we can't have a nice bed down here.

I wish we could have fresh food daily and I could cook so we could have healthy meals. I wish we could have heat so we wouldn't freeze in the winter and we had normal temperatures. I wish we had a living room so I wouldn't have to sit on the floor while my significant other sleeps at night. I wish we had windows so we could have fresh air and it wouldn't be stuffy.

I can't live with my parents because they are abusive and hurt me. I can't live with them again, I don't want to be harmed ever again. The last place I lived was at another family members house, but I went manic several times and they had me leave. Some of my family members won't talk to me anymore because of it. My significant other took me in and let me live here so at least I would have a safe home. He has a wonderful home at his mother's, but he lives here with me so I have a home. I try to keep in mind how lucky I am to have a safe home, but I wish I had the basic stables in life. I feel so greedy for wanting these things, but I can only handle so much. I get severely manic about where I live and I try so hard to be grateful, it's just so damn hard. I can't apply for anything since I have a job, but I don't make enough for a home. I feel like I'm being irrational right now, but I just want what everyone else has. I want food, warmth, and security.

I don't expect an answer to my problems, I just needed to vent so I wouldn't freak out.