I understand how you're feeling. The truth is deep down inside I know I'm the same way, however, I often disassociate myself from the world to the point I don't feel alive. I know this is hard, but you have to keep going. Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes life feels like hell, other times it is smooth sailing. And about the fat situation, society has taught us that we need to be skinny in order to be "beautiful." But the truth is beauty is such a subjective concept that there is no definite connotation of the word. Fat shamming is a sad, but all too common concept within our society. Fat should not be a negative word, personally I find fat women, and men alike beautiful. You do not need to learn how to love yourself to survive, I hate myself, and I believe I always will. But never be ashamed of who you are. I hate myself, but I am not ashamed of the fact. I know it is hard, but I believe in you. You are not alone. I hope things lighten up for you sweetie. Place yourself amongst a loving community, I recommend checking out body positivity blogs, they have helped me immensely. I mean, I still hate everything about myself, but it taught me not to be ashamed.
Hold good.