I wouldn't say this about a rape victim. It's actually very common for this to happen - it's as if the person is somehow trying to undo the trauma or gain control over the situation, so they go back to the abuser. I'm going to be careful here, as I know you well enough to know you don't mean this the way it sounds, but please re-read what you've written.

Rape is the second most serious crime after murder because it does such destruction to the psyche. Saying a rape victim likes feeling wanted is like saying women return to men who beat them because they love the drama.

Anyway, OP, I wonder if your self-hatred is to do with feelings towards this man and towards your gender as a whole?