I was put on Lamictal 4 days prior to the day program last year, starter 25 mg dose 2 weeks, step-up to full dose by early November. (in their brilliance, they wrote in intake notes that I failed to respond to outpatient drug therapy - duh, it doesn't work in 4 days, I guess they were shocked I didn't report singing U2's Beautiful Day at the top of my lungs).

I want NOTHING to do with Lamictal. It made me sick, caused anemia, a kinda strong neurological tremor, nausea, dizziness. Side effects started about 4 months after full dose. If I missed a day, the nausea and tremor were really bad. Tried to withdraw per PDoc and it got worse. So I had to go back to the full dose and start over. First withdrawal was at the normal 2 month rate. We are now going so slow it will take a total of 9 months to get to zero. Side effects are mostly gone except for mild tremor - at least I can hold a cup of coffee or turn a key in a lock, at my worst I could not.

Mostly I fear it because it's labeled for bipolar. Being unable to withdraw makes me feel BP. I refuse to accept that Dx. I had symptoms superficially similar to BP but distinct. I desperately needed a sedative/anti anxiety drug and an anti-depressant when I presented. I felt that Lamictal did nothing for me. I wanted it to do nothing, because admitting it was working was admitting I was bipolar. I made miles of progress from October to June/July. I felt great about that, at least when I wasn't mired in my "I am the worthless scum of the earth lower than the most heinous criminal" mode half the time.

I am depressed again. I feel like I am going through the motions and not really caring about things I enjoyed immensely a month or two ago. My anxiety has ramped up a bit, nothing like last year, but still a bit. Especially when I go,out a night to ride.

I try to explain it away. It's the anniversary season of the events that got me there last year and here now. I tried the experiment in exposure therapy and it spooked me. I have a lot of recurrent thoughts of the past traumas. I still have pressures resulting from this, family pressure, financial pressure.

I desperately do NOT want it to be the case that the Lamictal was really helping. I was so utterly terrified of that diagnosis. I was ashamed to be on it and ashamed every time I went to the pharmacy.

But tomorrow is my next appt with the PDoc I really like. I am going to have to just show my hand and tell her about my thoughts and concerns and see what she says. I CAN'T go back to a place where I face every day feeling I am the Universe's punching bag. I just can't.

Time to grow up, I feel that I it's the mature rational thing to do to open up to her and see what she says.

Johnny out.