Quote:
Originally Posted by roseleigh7
I have had eating disorders since childhood. I am in my 40s now. I feel at the end in many ways, the end of my life. The things I never thought would happen are happening. Very negative side effects and probably not reversible.
There isn't much support for older people. I think no one wants to face what could happen if you don't recover and that is me. You end up like me. Not a good place to be. Every day I want to die. I need some kind of treatment for this, but would feel out of place with all the young people. It just seems hopeless.
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yes. Often before I post I do think that I am too old to be sounding like this. And yet, there it is. I have been living with the ED more years than I care to admit. I am older than I care to admit. The damage done by the ED does accumulate. I have been on the binge and then starve yoyo for decades. The starving part of it seems to have won out in recent years. Because my body is so sick from it all that I cannot eat the foods I want anyway. So the times I can even be tempted are few and far between as the body rarely can handle most foods. When I was young my mother used to pay me to lose weight. So I would starve to make money. But I also wanted to starve. The other rewards were good also. Of course it was buffered by the "never thin enough" syndrome. But at least I made money. Then I would binge again after a while to self medicate. Eventually the monitary incentive was gone. But still the starving persisted. There were the messages behind the money payoff. messages that became my own voice.
I can add stress to a factor of why my digestive system has deteriorated over the years. It was not just starving But stress only adds to the toll that has been imposed upon my body.
I do not know of an online ED community where there are older people who are starvers. I do remember though that when I went to local OA meetings there were people who were older than I. But I cannot do OA. I am too shame based to even try to handle the 12 steps.
Sad how my body is so harmed by the starving and yet I do not seem to be able to stop losing. Although I am not starving now. Just making sure I either lose weight or do not gain an ounce. I am not sure what I am going to do when I have to next go to the doctor. She told me a month agao I could not lose any more weight. I am not supposed to be this thin. But that didnt stop me from losing. Even though I know it is causing harm.
I am so grateful for the people in this pc ED community. People of all ages. Very grateful for you all. 
And yes I would also love find more support groups with folks who have been living for many decades with starving and even yoyo also. So if you hear of one, please do let me know. I really like this pc community. so I would not stop posting here regardless of any other community I find. this is a good and caring community.
