This probably sounds farfetched, but I don't think if anyone really knew me, would consider me human. I have known people not to before, but now I understand why. Genetics don't make you human. Feelings and emotions don't make you human. Love for yourself and others, along with strength does.

I don't fntasize about harming people, but I have had selfish moments in my life where someone else was emotionally harmed. I use to think perhaps I was mentally ill. I realize now that even if I am, that doesn't change me not being human, or alive just because I have a pulse.

No, I think I damaged myself fifteen years ago and have been slowly decaying ever since. I didn't notice it at first, but now I realize that to society, I don't count as being genuinely human. Too many lies. Even when I wanted to tell the truth, too much cowardence. Even when I tell the truth, too much liability. No, I am treated and looked at like a disgrace. A mistake. A monster.

I do admit that I greatly admire Christian values. The idea of grace is amazing, and the idea of a god that loves me despite my shortcomings even more so. We don't live in a world that truly embraces Christianity though. People certainly don't strive to emulate Jesus.

My impulses, however, are too sinister for society to forgive. I may not have let a little girl drown in a pool or recklessly shot an innocent bystander, but my lies have ruined people emotionally. When I was young, I was confused about something, and didn't believe I was lying at the time. Part of what I said was true. To society, none of it is now.

I need out. No one will ever forgive me. Sexual Assualt or Rape? Cheated on or paranoid? The answer is all the same to the world - too late. No one will believe me. Perception trumps truth. My actions trump redemption here.

I hope God can forgive me. God is the only one who is willing to. People make it difficult for me to forgive myself.