Hi all,
Thanks so much for the support, it's been really helpful!
Update after today's session:
She was super nice - which made me like her even more go figure, but because of that I was able to stay relatively calm and we had an honest conversation.
Obviously, it is up to me whether to continue meeting with her. Nothing definite has been decided yet, and she assured me that we do not need to stop meeting (if I decide to go that route) until I am clearly set up with other support.
I need to think about whether seeing her is helpful for me. Do I continue to meet because I want to be close to her and spend time with her, or because I think she is able to help with my treatment? Am I able to push aside the attraction and focus on the work we're doing, or does it interfere too much? Or am I running away from what may be the most helpful treatment for me?
So T didn't run away from me, didn't seem disgusted, and she'll help me through this, regardless of which path I decide on.
She reassured me that I am not a bad person for having these thoughts.
It is possible to be attracted and to work successfully with her as a therapist - that idea seems so simple, but I think I was viewing it as an "either-or situation" (black or white thinking yay) - either I have to leave because I'm attracted, or I have to not be attracted and stay. She said something like, "It's like going to a meeting with a good-looking co-worker. You do it and get the work done, it just might be a little more pleasant for you." She said she was trying to put herself in my shoes.
So...my goal for this week is to do some serious thinking about the above questions (but not too much because I tend to overthink, so maybe just journaling to work things out at specific times). And also, to not excessively email. We determined one email is okay.
So I guess the session was a success. Things will work out, whichever way they might go.