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Originally Posted by tinyrabbit
First off, you don't need to apologise for posting or for how much you write. Secondly, I'm not surprised you found that triggering. Is there definitely no way you can get out of it? If I remember rightly your T is part of your school, any way you could discuss this together? And/or does this teacher seem like someone you could maybe approach outside of class to discuss these issues?
If you're stuck in the class, I find myself wondering if it might help to focus just on music when you consider these things. So, for example, you could say: "If it weren't too late, I'd learn to play such-and-such instrument."
With the letter from your 80-year-old self, I suppose the thing to remember is that you're making it up, so you don't have to think of it as being about you - if it helps you, you could invent a character and write a letter from their 80-year-old self instead of yours. Again, maybe keep it on the subject of music (though I don't get what writing this kind of piece has to do with music, but anyway). Maybe you could invent an outlandish story about someone who runs away to play violin in a circus and then goes to prison for stealing a piano.
That's kind of a silly example, but my point is: if you just need to get through the class any way you can, maybe the answer is just to make things up. You could create a character in your head and write from their point of view, not yours. When you approach these questions, think about them, not you. It's not ideal, as you won't work on finding your own inner musical voice, but frankly I don't see how any of this is going to help you do that anyway...
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The teacher isn't just a teacher or a tutor. He's actually a highly established orchestral musician. He's a really nice guy, but I don't want him to think that I'm at all crazy or weird because he has a TON of connections. Yes, my T is through the school and I will bring this up with her in my session today to come up with a plan for this. It's just annoying because I have a long list of things that need to be addressed with her like yesterday and now I have this to add on to that.
Obviously, I'm going to end up lying about a lot of it. I don't think I'd lie and say I'd rather play a different instrument though because for whatever reason that feels like I'm betraying myself. I guess I could say if it weren't too late, I would have approached my training differently or something.
The problem is that I was triggered just by hearing him read off these questions without me even answering them. He didn't have us turn our answers in or anything for them and I was still sweating so much. I could try to imagine myself as a character, but I don't know if that will prevent me from being negatively impacted by the questions.
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Originally Posted by hankster
He sounds like a t-wannabee. One, is it too late to switch this class for another? Take it when you're less vulnerable and or have the answers to some of these questions? Otherwise, I wouldn't look at it as homework as much as part of your voyage as a musician. I'm not sure how much I want to look at my process (I say that as a comedian) - what if your angst is part of what makes your music soulful? So maybe it's not that you have to "solve" these questions and come up with happy answers, which would be my take. What you've written here may be enough eg "80? Are you kidding? I may not make it to 26!" That is YOUR personal answer.
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I have to not believe that my angst is what makes my music soulful because I have to allow myself to let my pain go. The thing about that is that we have to write a paper and do a report on pretending to be 80 years old looking back on your life. I can't just say one sentence and call it a report. I also wouldn't say that because that's something so personal that only my T and thousands of anonymous people on the internet know (haha). I would not be at all comfortable letting my teacher know that and definitely not my classmates.