POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING WITH MENSTRUAL TALK AND EATING DISORDER

Ever since I was a child I would play with the supposedly only boys toys, read the boys books, watch the boys shows. Sounds like a stereotype I'm sorry.

I grew up wearing non gendered clothing. Tshirts and jeans and large sweat jackets. Running shoes. Short hair. There was nothing feminine about me. I had no friends. I never understood the girls and the boys didnt accept me either.

In the past few years I've come to thinking more about gender. I've always felt wrong having a vagina. Being a woman. Being feminine didnt seem quite right.

But I came to become such. Makeup, long hair, jewelry, skirts, high heels, sexy low cut tops, etc.

Though I'm still conflicted. I don't mind my boobs most days, but the thought of having a vagina still disgusts me. I hate getting my period. I'm disgusted by the idea of carrying eggs, getting pregnant, giving birth, having a child.

Bleeding from down there horrifies me. Sometimes I imagine ripping out my uterus with a knife. I was ecstatic when I lost my period during the height of my disordered eating.

I've started skipping my placebo week for my birth control. I'm on my period now this month as I needed a refill and didnt get it in time. Which brings this all up for me again.

It's come back to no makeup, tshirts and jeans. I don't feel feminine. I imagine what it's like to have a penis. Not inside me, but instead of a vagina.

I switch between feminine and not feminine depending how gendered I feel. Sometimes I feel wrong dressing as a woman. I feel like a fraud.

This is just stressing me out. I think too much. I have horrific thoughts about it and I disgust myself with the bleeding.

I wanted to get this out and was looking for any advice.