I'm not always entirely sick of myself. But tonight I am. I don't have it in me to be "friendly, perky, hyper Teal". I'm not mad or irritable. I'm just void. I have this feeling of just wanting to get away from myself. I know it started when I was reading a bit on my diagnoses (although T did caution me about this as she knows how I internalize things - but I didn't dig too hard). And i just read on how I can't really be "fixed" and how I could go through tangient moments where I won't stay on topic (very true for me) and how the T has to direct session because i'm incapable of doing so (mostly true) and all that was fine. But then it said how if T wasn't careful, under the countertransference part it said that the patient could bore the T. And I think I already have. And it just gave me this feeling of reinforced pathetic"ness". I'm just ugh. I don't know why I even bother sometimes. And then I was listening to music (my positive coping mechanism) and was listening to this song called "I wont let you go" by James Morrison and I realized - there is no one (that I care enough about) willing to not let me go. Heck, most people don't even know when i'm unhappy. And I don't want attention, or to seem needy. I'm usually okay alone. I usually prefer it. But then I have these moments (probably due to my monthly woman friend) where I just want to have somebody care about me. But how can anyone care about someone who is incapable of caring for them? Ugh. I'm feeling too much and yet nothing. I don't even know why i'm writing this. I don't know what to expect from it. I'm just so sick of myself right now. I know it will go away (always does) but when you're in the moment...it just really sucks.