One off the problems I have in therapy is the fear that T will laugh at me. She often asks me if my mother ever laughted at me? I say that there were instances of these silly little laughs mum would do when I was trying to get close to her, but somehow the issues seem's bigger than just that.

I always feel that when the session is over, that T is glad I've gone and smiles a smile of relief to see the back off me. Even last week at our last session before the xmas break, as I left I turnt to her and said "Have a nice xmas" and she replied "Yes, thank you and take care" but I still feel/felt as if what she were really saying was "Thank god I'm rid off you for a while"

This has been going over and over in my mind, because I KNOW thats not how she is, unyet the feeling is so strong in my mind. Then I remembered where that fear comes from. Growing up my adoptive mother would tell me my adoption story. How my birth mother (an alcoholic) couldnt wait to get rid off me and as she handed me over, she laughed and said "thank god for that, now buy me a drink"...

Now at least, I can talk about this with T after the holidays, and hopefully put it to rest. But this clouds my relationships. I see that senario in every relationship I have. How scary is it that we do projecty our past into our future that also clouds our today.

I just too also think that how my birth mother reacted to giving me up was "truth" in as much it was a relief for her. But I am thinking now just how much in denial she must have been to her own true feelings!

Transference in action in all it's might!