Hi granite - trust is very hard for me. After 3 and a half years with my T, logically I know he is trustworthy, but there is still that bit of me that says, yes but what if.......

As children it is hard to maintain boundaries and sometimes we don't even know what they are - we may feel something isn't right, but we "trust" adults to guide us. When my T and I have talked about trust before, I realised that there are people that are untrustworthy and that sometimes it is the very right thing to not trust people - that is what can keep us safe. However to be able to move forwards I need to become aware of my own boundaries and how to maintain these - that it is Ok to trust some people with some things, but that we can choose who to trust and with what, that the opposite of not trusting is not necessarily to trust everyone with everything.

I know I can trust my T, I know because I can list lots of examples when he has been there for me, when he has acted kindly, when he has given me space, when he has listened, when he has reassured - however my T and I have also acknowledged how fragile that trust is, that one wrong move and all the good work will be undone - it has been felt when I notice that he seems a little different, it might just be that he is tired, or has a cold, but unless he is the very same person each week, it wobbles me.

Sometimes, I reflect on that and realise what a high expectation I have of him and hard that may be for him sometimes, that he must be so careful not to put a foot wrong, despite being human and then I start to question what "trust" actually means to me.

I used to think that trust meant giving myself completely over to someone else, to trust them absolutely completely, totally and that there was no compromise. Now I think there is another way of trusting, like I trust my bank with my money (hmmm not sure if that is wise ) - trust the garage to fix my car, the vet with my dog, the supermarket to sell me edible food.

I do think you should be proud of yourself to keep going to your T, when it does feel so scary for you - yet I know from my own experience, that I don't always give myself the credit from achieving things that I assume should be easy to do - therapy is so very hard, particularly when trust has to be learned.

Soup