wow, do I ever know what you mean, Rose. But don't give up and take care of yourself, tho don't let your illness and some things about your life define yourself. Maybe you can find some affirmations you can use that really speak to you, that would help. Something like, I am loved and needed by certain people, certain animals, etc. I still have a lot to give to this world, to make a better place. I will be kind to myself now. I know I'm worth it. And whatever floats your boat, etc. I'm sure you have your own ideas and there are prob other folks who have good ones, too. Just my humble two cents. One of mine is I choose happiness over bipolar, although I acknowledge I must manage mental illness. Like I say, sometimes, not always effective, but worth a try. Take care, my friend, hope you feel better! Also, when you have a lot of time on your hands, it's important to stay busy, to reach out where healthy, to do somethings that are fulfilling, helpful, fun, etc. Believe me, I know!!!! It's a struggle, but really worth the work. But sometimes, I fall, and you may get to see that here on PC. I'm usually not too silent for too long, but it happens now and then. Blessings, friend!