I wish you weren't feeling so low...I really hope the Rx and a good T will help you see / know that you are not a "bad" person!

I have/had to work on some of the same issues. I think many of us have: Overcoming the old tapes that are running the show...the ones that tell us we aren't good enough or moreover the ones that tell us we aren't enough, that we are bad somehow

We get into some bizarre rut where what we listen to most is the negative voices in our head sabotaging the good things, so no matter what we do, we feel awful. And we put so much pressure and worry on ourselves, we forget what it is like to be human (we become a prisoner of someone else's abusive words and deeds that we take on as our own).

They arent even our own issues...they usually are someone else's junk that is implanted in us (I think the worst thing too is that we don't even know who we are at our core anymore which also leads to feeling horrible).

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I read here in this thread that you had/have struggles with your father. I had the same with my family members, and it did quite a number on me.

The key is to work through those hurtful, dreadful tapes in our brain. To rewire thinking so our thoughts don't automatically go to a bad place that hurt us and make us feel unworthy. We do not have to hear their voices anymore. We don't have to be responsible for the cruelty they put on us to satisfy their sick needs.

I can say that I have been there ... and there is hope! It can be done. DBT helped me, but I think it is different for everyone. The main thing is that no matter what our age, we can overcome this. It takes some work, homework, but it sounds as if you are up to the task. At first it feels a little foreign but after a bit it just becomes part of us and it is so freeing!

I also understand that fear when we emotionally eat and put on a few. But the fact that we realize we are doing it, and care, does set us up for success, because we can also do something about it. Instead of blindly keeping the feelings in and numbing ourselves with comfort food, we can talk about stuff (feelings) and focus outward. And talk about stuff. Uncensored. The good thing to is that you get to speak and really be heard and validated. That feels great in itself.

I could go on and on and on, but I wont! But I just want you to know that I get it. You aren't alone and you can and will start feeling much better once the little tributaries in your brain default to a positive pond instead of a well of hurt.

Is it possible to look at yourself from the outside, too, and ask yourself "what would I tell my best friend" (if they were being this hard on themselves?) Would you beat them up and tell them they aren't good enough or would you focus on all the positive, wonderful things?

We are human and thankfully we get to do our best, make mistakes, acknowledge, learn from them and then try again (if we arent pleased with something (a word, action, reaction, mis-step).

In the beginning, when I slipped (whatever slipping meant for me) I would see it and then just tell myself I would do better next time.

*Mostly, in that regard, it had to do with stuff nobody even noticed but me. But I noticed because I felt uncomfortable.

I hope this helps a little. You can beat this, and there is hope.