um, hi, um... i remembered something i did when i was eleven-years-old and now i am so upset with myself and i think i am the worst person and i can't bear it... and i was hoping maybe if i just told somebody at least it would be the first step in making things right, even if that's impossible, i should at least try...

i get aroused horribly easy and it is a constant source of shame and guilt and repulsion for me, especially since i am not interested in sexual activity whatsoever... i just try my best to push away or ignore the physical feelings without masturbating, because it makes me feel guilty (i.e. getting aroused when surrounded by family members, if i leave the room and masturbate is that being bad to them... so i try to just get rid of all the bad feelings of arousal by ignoring them)... but when i was eleven i masturbated very frequently, i'm sorry for tmi... i'm sorry... but i would even do it in inappropriate situations (i.e. three or four times in public or when somebody else was in the room, i do not use my hands etc. so i don't think anybody noticed but still...)... and once when my family's dog was licking my feet i masturbated to the point of orgasm because the sensation of it was arousing.

i keep running over and over and over it in my head and wondering what in the world is wrong with me, it is sending my ocd into a frenzy trying to remember all of the bad things in the world i have done and trying to remember exact details to somehow hope it was not as bad as i have thought, i am terrified of doing something like that again even though i wouldn't never ever ever i cannot even bear to be touched because i am so afraid of arousal...i am constantly terrified of being close to other people worrying that there is something so deep and dark and bad inside of me, that i am so bad, that i shouldn't exist...

this brings me so much guilt and shame and horror and self-disgust... that other being did not know or consent to me masturbating from what to them was a completely innocent act and i hate myself sososo much. i'm sorry... and i'm sorry if you read this... is there anything in the whole world i can possibly do to help repent, i know i will never be able to but is there anything i can at least try... oh...