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Originally Posted by allme
Thanks! Can't wait to get back into therapy! I really need to relearn certain behaviours and need to learn a healthier way of releasing these feelings of mine. Just feel so screwed up you know? I have the best intentions at heart but repeatedly screw things up somehow and revert to unhealthy behaviour. This **** is at my core though so have little faith it can be helped. I have already been through a lot of counselling and briefly some cbt but cbt guy was a pig but that's another story. I feel so emotionally dumb I mean really retarded. I am still hanging out with some hope for next t but I fear I just won't ever change.
Sitting here feeling sick now. Split all the stuff I bought with hubby and ate half of it all. Have a little left over but feel so fricking sick now. Next step is to bring it back up and I know that would be such a release.....
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I feel screwed up to, I actually believe that I am an evil person 70% of the time and when I try to say nice things about myself I have to search far and wide to do that. I agree that you need to learn some healthier ways of dealing with your anger, especially when you are only angry because you have been hurt. Anger is the natural response to injustice, when somebody hurts our feelings, its normal for us to get angry, how we express our anger is what makes a big difference. Shouting at people only creates more shouting, letting our emotions take over is what gets us into the deepest ****. I think what your husband might be doing is trying to give you some time to cool off, but he's handling in a bad way that makes you even more hot headed.
Sorry to hear that you didn't do well with a CBT guy, it was the guy not the method. The first time I had CBT I got really angry at the therapist and stormed out, because she said something about BPD and it totally hurt my feelings.
I never went back and then years later I realized she was right and got myself back in therapy. I have also been in a lot of therapy, had 5 different therapists and the longest I spent with one of them was 3 years when I was an adolescent - before they can diagnose personality disorders. You are right BPD is a part of you, the only person who can get rid of it is you.
You not only have to want to change, you have to put a lot of effort into it, you have to treat it like a college class. It takes a lot of work to heal from these personality disorders, and a conscious effort on your behalf. Don't do it for anybody else but yourself, that was my problem with my past therapists, they were either forced by my parents or the court system. Yes try to talk it out with him, if things start to get too emotional you can tell him "I need to step back because this is starting to trigger me" I do this all the time. Especially during conflict resolution with people, I prefer to have no conflict but this is impossible, even as a single man I still have my fair share of conflict with people.
