I haven't posted about this yet because I don't know if anyone I know reads here but it has been on my mind a lot. It's about trust and yes, I know I have been going on and on and on about this with the same people but with all the anxiety I've been having it is still a big issue, as has been thinking about work.

The story so far... I've been upset with friends who promise to do things and then become no shows even though they know what I'm going through and know how important to me some things are. My one friend who has stuck by was going to come to help me move my monitor at the end of week, mid week he emailed me that something had come up and he wouldn't be able to make it but would come monday. I jokingly replied that I didn't understand what his message meant because if he couldn't make it he wasn't supposed to tell me so, he was supposed to confirm the appointment and then just not show up... because that's what all the other people seem to do.

The one in particular, the one I hadn't spoken to in a long while, but who came to see me in the hospital, I thought we worked things out when he came to see me. He had been out of touch because he thought I wanted him to stay away, and he said it was very bad for him to have to stay away and he was so glad I "allowed" him to visit me in the hospital. I assured him that I did want to see him and that the bad sense he was getting from me was just because I was depressed and isolated. I think he has known I have been depressed and suicidal long before I went to the hospital and was afraid to rock the boat.

I did admit to him some things that had upset me, things like promises to visit that never came through. I understood that he was busy but I asked him just to please only ask to come over only if you really will be able to come. After a few more contacts I didn't hear from him again for several weeks. Finally I asked him what had happened and if he no longer wanted to visit me, and he said he did want to visit me but stopped asking if he could come over because the last time he asked I didn't say anything, and he took that to mean that I didn't want him here. Well what had happened was that after that previous talk with him he continued to make vague offers to come over, I said I was looking forward to seeing him, and then he never came. So I no longer considered him saying he "might be free next week" as asking to come over. I just didn't want to keep saying "yes" and then getting hurt. I was waiting for him to call back and say "yes turns out I am free this week, can I come on Tuesday" and then I would have said yes.

But he thought since I didn't say "yes" or "no" to that, that I didn't want him to visit anymore. He was also upset that I made a comment in one of my emails that I don't hear from him for months at a time, just like my other friends who haven't made any effort at all. He thinks he is not in that category because he "thinks of me everyday." Puh-leeze. I know he is much more understanding and I do believe he sincerely wants to help, but I pointed out to him that from my point of view, during periods when I can't get out of the house, if I can't get anyone to visit it really doesn't matter to me whether they are "thinking of me" or not. And it becomes actually worse because I build expectations and then they get dashed. The ones who are just plain no-shows I have no expectations of.

He also insisted that he is in touch with me more than once a month but he isn't. He must be on a different calendar than I am on.

Anyway I told him all this the last time he came to visit... on recommendation of my T. I made it very very very clear that I NEVER didn't want him to visit... he was more than welcome anytime, and that he should go around trying to second guess my thoughts. I assured him if I ever didn't want him to come I would say so, there would be no sublty involved.

A few more incidents passed where he was going to come (twice actually) on the way from other events (that I noticed he had time for those) and couldn't make it because he got out later than he thought or got stuck in traffic. I don't think he is making up excuses... but if it were me I sure as hell would understand how important these things are and I wouldn't let myself "forget the time." I'd sit in traffic if I had to. It is confusing to me because he I do not think he is lying or hedging. He seems honestly sincere that he wants to see me and just gets sidetracked and can't make it. But he's never stuck in traffic for other events, and seems to be able to plan them into his schedule and not get sidetracked.

I've asked him to just please be honest with me, he understands and assures me that the problem is merely that he sometimes just doesn't realize, and he can't help from "reading into my words" but promised he would try hard not to do so in the future. And now it has been more than a month since I've heard from him, yet he keeps popping up in other conversations on the web, so as much as he says he is immersed in work he has time for that occasionally. I thought I made it clear to him that it wasn't a huge problem if he was unable to visit me or contact me... whether it was because he was busy or even if he was just truly upset after visiting me and didn't want to say so... just don't keep insisting otherwise and then apologizing and explaining it and reassuring me that he wants to be there for me and then just dropping me again. I feel like a freakin' yoyo of emotions over this. I haven't contacted him in a while because I've been so hurt by this. But I also told him when we had our talk that I was pretty shaky and unlikely to call him so for now he would have to be the one to make an effort to stay in touch. I had just had too many unanswered emails to be comfortable, because not hearing back, even just an acknowledgement that he received it, was really hurting me.

So time has passed and he hasn't been in touch again. No way am I going to contact him and just repeat this. I know he has been very busy at work, but I also know he has been doing other things because even when he tells me he is too busy, pictures circulate from other things he has been doing. So I have just been laying off and giving him some space. If he wants to see me he can call me and arrange a visit...

So that was all "status quo" and I've been starting to feel better as you know, accepting things more and getting out more, finally some progress it seems. I kept myself busy last weekend working on the newsletter for my Star Wars charity group (I'll post the link to it in another forum) and although I'm still gun-shy about being with people, at least I have been able to be in touch enough to get the newsletter completed.

Just as I'm finishing the newsletter I find out that there was a party to celebrate an anniversary in a nearby town... and lots of people were there, including this guy. So he didn't get stuck in traffic for that. I would have loved to see these people, I haven't seen them in awhile, and they also know what has been going on with me. But I wasn't even invited to this, not even out of courtesy. And no one mentioned it to me until after the event was over. So obviously it wasn't a big conspiracy to keep me out or else no one would have mentioned it. I can't figure out why I wasn't invited, I can't figure out why no one mentioned it to me (if they assumed that I wouldn't be able to make it because I have been ill I would have expected at least a mention of it) and if the host just wasn't sure if they should invite me or not (worried it might make me sad if I couldn't make it) then this guy friend of mine should have said something... I made it clear as black and white in 14 pt helvetica bold that I did not want to be left out of the loop on things because that is what hurts me. I don't know if just no one thought I would find out? I really have no clue. As much as I complain, these particular people are not bad people and I don't believe they don't care about me. Some of them may not realize how important to me they are. But I've always been included with them in the past, everytime, I'm part of that "group". Or at least I thought I was. I confided in this guy that even though I know people care about me, that I don't feel as if I belong anywhere anymore. I don't believe that he doesn't understand that. I don't know what to believe.

But the whole thing REALLY shook me. My hurt has always been because of "carelessness", people falling through on their promises but I believe not out of spite and not out of not caring, just me not being a priority enough for them to make the effort. And a lot of that I think is that they assume I have lots of "closer" friends who are making the effort and so they're slacking off is not a big deal. Yes I have tried to make it clear to these people. If they are just not close enough friends that they can make the effort to help me out from time to time (I'm talking a visit once in a while to watch a movie or something... I'm not asking them to come change my diapees or anything) then I'm not really mad at them, I'm just upset that I don't have anyone in my life who is that close, when I thought that I had and certainly have acted toward them going the extra mile when they needed me.

I told my T last appointment that maybe they are just all getting together to plan a huge surprise party for me to cheer me up... but if that's what they are doing, I would think that after seven months they would be ready to spring the surprise by now.

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