I couldn't think of a title for this thread. I had a good session today, and I feel connected to my T. I told her something that resonated with her, she said. That almost made me cry. She said to let the tears come, but I couldn't.

I told her that I don't want to quit seeing her because though I'll have her in my heart, I want her right here in front of me! She said she understood that, but her job is to serve as a role model so I can have others (and myself) to fulfill those needs. I said that I think of her as a friend and/or close family member, and though I know that's not the case, it has never worked to think of her as someone I pay to help me, and that's all.

She agreed that we have a relationship, and it's not going to end in March. She says I can see her every 1 or 2 months. I hope I can handle that. She says in January we can start cutting down sessions, maybe.

I felt so close to her. We talked about a lot of my problems, and I apologized again for what I had told her before my trip. She said I don't have to keep apologizing. We talked about how I react to the way people look. We talked about bathroom stuff too. We talked about my life and how it's been pretty good! I like that I can tell her anything. I like the closeness that I feel with her--very much.

So, what good is it all? I don't want to "give her up" as someone very special in my life, but I have to. She'll always be special and maybe she'll be in my life, but it just doesn't seem fair. I know it's the way therapy is. You attach to a T because they are so NICE and CARING, and COMPASSIONATE. In my case, I like my T a lot for her artistic side, which is a real part of her, not related to the therapy. She suggested taking an art class so I can discuss art with someone when I'm not seeing her. That's a good idea, but it's so ironic to find someone you like so much, and have to go out and find other people who are like your T. It's just weird.

I know. My T has helped me with many things, and I'm so grateful for that. It's just so bittersweet to have to let go. I am radically accepting that termination is going to happen, but it's going to be hard.