Don't give up, SP. Many of us have been where you are, and some of us still wander back there now and again. There are few things more painful than therapy done "right"--so much fear, so much frustration with yourself as you struggle to open up and stay open, so much anger and hurt unearthed....And when you are faced with all that at once, it's so overwhelming, and so hard to imagine gaining mastery over all those emotions and defenses that you have carried for so long.

Your T gets it. She hears you, sees you struggling, and I can pretty much guarantee she respects your courage and wants to meet you with as much commitment as you are showing.

There will be times like these when you want to give up, when it all feels like too much. And people will be here for you to vent, people who know what it's like to go through the cleansing fire, and will cheer you on and support you and commiserate and offer their experiences. There's no guarantee that you'll find success, but there are good odds, if you don't give up on yourself, and keep going and giving it what you can. Sometimes that will be a lot, sometimes it will just be the act of sitting on that couch and showing your commitment by just being there. It will get easier.

(And I'm almost 50, and my mom still pushes my buttons big time. The best way I've found to "beat" her at that game is to continue to heal, continue to learn about myself, and while she can still get to me, her barbs are blunt and bounce off, rather than digging in. That, too, will come for you.)

I hope I am not speaking out of turn when I say we are all, all of us, rooting for you, just as we root for each other, for anyone brave enough to do this work.