Ok so I've been without a significant other, girlfriend, fiance, wife or otherwise for 14+ months or so (starting to lose track) I'm still technically married but very much single in that we've been living separately for that amount of time and since a few months ago she's even been living a couple states away. Anyway.. not that I'd have it any other way, I'm over it, done with her and so do not want her in my life again.

But as with any human, bpd or not, loneliness does crop up on me from time to time and it can be hard at times but in the past week I've been reminded as to why it may be best for me not to be attached romantically to anyone...

Since about 2 weeks ago I've been going back and forth with a lady that I really like and she's cute, young.. and we have things in common that I just have never found in anyone before to this extent - (gamer, computer geek, her experience with programming, the list goes on) Well needless to say at first I really let myself get attached to the idea that she would be an awesome online girlfriend. Not that anything romantic other than very indirect flirting has happened. Mostly just wishful thinking on my part.

Well the other day she said to me in chat "brb" and was gone the rest of the night. Here is where my evidence comes from. UP to now, as you all know I've been rather positive, happy and hopeful about myself, my life and future. Well When she left me alone that day (perceived as being left, abandoned, you know all the bullsht we think) I had all kinds of reasons that I conjured up as to why she was tired of me, didn't care about me, etc. etc. and for the first time in a long while, I was sent spiralling. The next day, actually about half of the day was spent complaining, whining and just plain *****ing about "them women" and how they aren't worth the trouble, it's just too complicated blah blah blah. I eventually calmed down but it left me thinking..

I am reminded of the numerous problems I had in my marriage(s) and how many times fights were due to my fears, my overreactions and skewed perception of reality. I think about how women affect me when I am romantically attached and I am beginning to think that it's something that is just not going to ever be different. I mean this girl isn't even my gf, nothing more than a friend that I like and she does this to me. How much more if I were involved with her for real?

No, I think this is just evidence that I need to stay a single man and just forego anything to do with the opposite sex anymore.

Of course that's not to say this is what I want lol. Not even to say that this is what will be, just that I believe it would probably be best. God knows we don't always follow our own wise discoveries.

Anyway.. just a rant or whtever.. thanks for listening.