Quote:
Originally Posted by Teen Idle
I am a huge perfectionist. My perfectionism started when I was diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning disabilities as a child. I assumed, at age six, that people thought I was an idiot. So I made sure I did everything perfectly. When I came home with one word wrong on a spelling test my mom had to deal with me sobbing for at least three hours until I exhausted myself and fell asleep.
This followed me all the way to, and through, high school. I made sure I never got bellow a 95% in anything. And if I did, I'd hate myself. I'd self harm. I'd cry, think I am the biggest idiot. I needed everything to be perfect with my grades. When I was admitted to a residential treatment facility out of state for my anxiety/depression, I had many a break down over the fact that I was missing midterms.
I am still a perfectionist. With homework, possible jobs, being heard. I don't know if it's part of my OCD or anxiety disorders, but it's not something I have been able to rid of. Sometimes I think it is a positive thing if done in a healthy way. But, alas.
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Yeah, I had a perfect GPA in high school. I thought I was "hot stuff" intellectually, I had a big ego. I took too many, too hard classes in my first freshman term. I flunked calculus II, barely squeaked by in Chem and Physics. It was awful for me, I wanted to die, I was so ashamed of it. I got quite depressed. And, of course, paying the bills, my father would have killed me. Somehow, my mother hid the grade report, I don't know how she got away with that. I kind of pulled it together, but the shame of it all haunted me, I changed majors to a field that sucks, flunked one more class, yet somehow did still manage to graduate with honors, barely.
Then, Mr. Perfectionist here went back for a second bachelor's, obsessed, and got a perfect 4.0 GPA. At least this is in my current field, law, but I also effed up that, I had the opportunity and the admission to law school, and passed it up. So, I went back again, got my paralegal certification, and ALMOST had perfect grades. One class I got a 3.8. At least I felt much better about that, the instructor was an arrogant *** who told us the first day that NO ONE gets a perfect grade, as he had only given out three 4.0's in 10 years. So, I knew it was him, not me. Kinda like what I should have felt with dear old dad.