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I don’t have a specific question but wanted to get some thoughts out and see if anyone can offer a new view or their experience. This may be disjointed so please bear with me…. trying to provide enough details yet not be long winded.
I terminated with ex-T in July after ten months. She was the first T I ever saw and we clicked early on, our personalities worked well together. Sessions were filled with angst, hurt, despair and anger yet also with care, respect, encouragement and happiness. I’m amazed at all I learned working with her, the process was mind-bending and my life’s path is forever positively changed. We terminated when she unexpectedly closed her practice. My termination sessions went great, I’m satisfied of the work done in them. They were also so difficult. I was an emotional wreck, I felt drained, empty, disappointed. I felt joy and appreciation for her. I was undeniably sad at the loss. The loss of seeing her weekly, no more hearing her laugh, the ability to bounce ideas off her, show her how our work made lasting changes in my life. During those two weeks between being told she was closing and our last session my chest would tighten with emotion and I cried often. Fortunately we discussed all of this during termination sessions and nothing was held back. Talk about liberating. I miss ex-T. I feel okay saying I miss her and knowing she was important in my life and even without sessions she can hold a place of importance.
I saw her for depression and anxiety and still had a couple months of work to do. She provided three referrals so after two months off I interviewed and started with a new-T. We’ve had five sessions and they’ve been fine. Nothing more than that though. The sessions have been around my history, ex-T termination, my current goals and expectations. I don’t feel connected to new-T and can’t pinpoint why. My therapy model is psychodynamic so alignment with the therapist is vital. I’m not confident more sessions will make a difference. I’ve been candid with myself to see if in my mind I had made ex-T into something she wasn’t, something where no new-T could measure up. I’ve discussed with new-T the lack of connectedness and we explored if I was feeling an absence of trust, safety, compassion or empathy. She asked me to allow more time to give our relationship a chance to develop and not prematurely terminate.
I spent some time this last week reflecting on how my actions have impacted the disconnect. While I’ve been open and honest in sessions I haven’t done more than that. I’ve answered questions and provided background but that’s it. I haven’t gone the extra mile to meet new-T in the middle and give myself freely to the process. My recent conclusion; I don’t want to. I don’t want to invest in another T that has a finite end. In this case an end only a few months from now (insurance ends 12/31). I don’t want the emotions that go with building the therapeutic relationship. I don’t want to experience another termination so soon after. I don’t want to be cared about by another person. I don’t want the relationship.
So where do I go from here? I have a session Saturday and will definitely attend but after that I’m not sure. What is another way to look at this?
Last edited by JayneJohnson49; Sep 12, 2013 at 09:52 PM.
Reason: typo
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