One of my big problems, I guess I tried so hard as a kid NOT to do anything to set my father off on a tirade, that I felt I had to be "perfect" in everything. Because any little, random thing could set him off, it was a fool's errand from the get-go. Yet, I still tried. And, I guess the psychology of abuse is also that you want to try to please, in the vain hope it will somehow "change" the abuser into a different person that will love you and not hurt you.

And, of course, that ALL followed me into adulthood and continues to this day. It's a heavy cross to bear, because perfection is a concept, not a tangible thing, and isn't achievable by anyone, really, we may come close, we may have perfect singular achievements, but everyone makes mistakes, numerous mistakes, throughout life. Some make more than others.

Worst, some people feel that a tiny mistake is a "big deal". I do. I'll give you an example. In 1994, the day that OJ murdered his wife and Ron Goldman (not relevant, just that I remember the date for that reason), I was stopped by a cop. For something trivial in the grand scheme of things -- I was pulled over for going 32 in a 25 MPH zone. Penalty, $100 and 2 points on my license. Nothing in the grand scheme. Yet, what did I do, with my M.O. -- I cried about it for a week, obsessed about it for months, tried to come up with every argument why it was unjust and unfair, while simultaneously kicking myself constantly for being careless and stupid. In reality, one thing was it was an extremely young cop - he was kinda over jealous, my dentist lives in the same neighborhood and told me this guy was writing tickets right and left for as little as 3-4 miles over. And people were protesting big time and getting out of them. Did I try - no, I took it, paid it, accepted my fate and told myself I was trash.

For a $100 traffic ticket. As if I had slashed two people to death.

How screwed up is that?