My ex-husband abused me for about 12 years - it's been at least 20 years after the fact. When I say abuse it was severe physical abuse and emotional abuse.
We share a son that is 22 - I did much better when my son was younger. I had Christmas and Birthdays and holidays, having my ex and his current girlfriend over to my house to share the holidays. We were divorced following the birth of my son.

In the last few years - pretty much since my son turned 18, my EX no longer wants to contribute to the holiday - I do understand. My son has been dating the same girl since he was 18.

My son's girlfriends Mom and my son's girlfriend are good friends with my ex-husband so 5 years later, I am no longer welcome.

With the except of this year. I am spending Christmas day over to my son's girlfriend's Mom - along with my ex husband and my son's girlfriend and of course her family.

A PART of me wants to scream and scream....

Saying HOW can you want me to spend time in the same room with some one that gave me bruise upon bruise who raped me when my son was born - so badly that I needed stiches.

I know that I spent time on holidays with my ex, but it was in my home and my son was a minor and I was trying to do what was best for him.

I want to scream - DON"T YOU CARE ABOUT ME????
I am the person that raised you, scracficed for you, was always there of you. Thru medical surgeries, I took you fishing, bought your first car, took you to drivers training.... Where was you DAD?????

It is making a wreck out of me. I don't have a logic thought process to it.

I think the most painful part of it is that my son and his girlfriend chooses my EX everytime. I never put that choice to them my EX has.

It seems so oddly strange to "break bread" with someone that routinely called me a "worthless piece of s**t", "not worth the air I breath", "dirt has more value than you", "I would kill you but your not worth it".

Am I the only one that feels that it is like stepping into the "twilight zone" with spending time with my EX.

My inside core of my heart hurts soooooo bad. I understand that I'm to forgive and forget but I don't think I'm there yet.

I guess with this post I'm looking for support that my feelings are vaild.... if they are not it is really OK to tell me so... either way it will help me to move off dead center.