So, I'm 30 years old. Live with my parents. Have no money. Borrow their car because I don't have my own. Have pretty much no income. I have a college degree from an extremely prestigious east coast music school that I attended on partial scholarship that doesn't really mean anything because it's just a piece of paper sitting on the wall next to me in my parents' basement mocking me.

I have no self-esteem. Realize deep down that I'm good at what I do or have potential or whatever considering the heaps of praise that have been given to me by other musicians, teachers, friends, audiences, etc. But, even getting constant praise, support, and reassurance from some of the musicians I admire most in the world doesn't help me because I find some way to convince myself I either don't deserve the praise or that I'm worthless because everybody says I have all this talent and I'm wasting it sitting in my parents' basement doing nothing.

I don't like teaching because I feel like I don't have the ability to do it well or maybe that I'm just too lazy to do it well. Yet, I've had students who love me and I know that I have much more to offer than most, but I just end up sending them away to somebody else instead (ironically, usually they end up with somebody with 1/10th my talent, but the belief that they are worthy).

I gave up years ago on relationships. Haven't had a girlfriend in at least 8 years...been on 5 or 6 dates in that time. At this point, don't even know if my lack of desire to ever be with anybody again is because I really don't care or because I assume I'll never be good enough to find somebody. I somehow manage to watch porn and masturbate 4x a day on average but I don't think it's out of actual sexual desire to be with somebody. I assume I'm just looking for the 30 seconds of feeling good, relaxed, and carefree that comes from orgasm. Sometimes I realize that I'm watching porn and the actress isn't even somebody I would want to touch in real life. The need to watch porn seems to be simply that it's part of the necessary process that leads towards the release of dopamine. I started having trouble with getting enough of an erection for satisfying intercourse with my girlfriend back when I was 21 or so which I'm sure was a mental, not physical issue as I was skinny as a post back in those days. It hasn't gotten any better ever since then, but I guess I just got used to it and now it doesn't even seem like a problem since I don't date anyway. But, it was a source of fear for me back in the days when I still had interest in finding a partner.

I gained quite a bit of weight around the time of a breakup around age 22 or so and went from 5'8" 140lbs to 5'8" 180lbs in a very short time which caused me to get stretch marks all over my stomach...yet another reason to avoid intimate contact...here I am at age 30 and they're still all visible and more appeared as I'm now pretty overweight at 5'8" 205-210lbs. So, even if I desired to be with a partner, it's hard to imagine any female being thrilled with an overweight guy with stretch marks all over his stomach and a weak erection. Not to mention the whole living with his parents way past the acceptable age thing.

I tried talk therapy for a while about 4 years ago during a time when I was becoming a borderline alcoholic supporting myself by playing music, but hating it all the while because I didn't have respect for the music I was needing to play to pay the rent. The therapy was every week for about 4 months and helped a little, but not much. I'm a very guarded person and I was comfortable telling her about my drinking, work troubles, depression, anxiety, etc, but couldn't bring myself to tell her about how I was afraid to be with a girl in case they would laugh at my stretch marks or weak erection. I guess I hoped that if my depression could be cured, the sexual problems might be cured as well, and I might have enough self esteem to not be so worried about my appearance. But, no luck.

I tried some antidepressants for a short time and it seemed like they were beginning to help my depression lessen a little bit, but they also seemed to make me even more tired than usual, and make it almost impossible to orgasm. So, I stopped. I've been trying St John's Wort instead, but after a month of 600mg a day, I'm not noticing any obvious improvement in depression...I might be feeling slightly more stable, but certainly not enough to make me feel like I can cope with day to day life. A day that I make it to the shower feels like a success at this point.

Somehow, I've managed to get a college degree, play music for thousands of people over the years, teach students, hide my depression so well that nobody is aware of it (aside from people thinking I'm a negative person), but it's all been through this horrible mask I where when I have to deal with people. I go do what I need to do and then come back home exhausted from even the smallest contact with the outside world...and then eventually sabotage any little success that I am having by disappearing, not returning phone calls, disappointing people, etc because I'd rather just sit at home and be worthless.

I can't afford antidepressants or therapy because I'm not working enough, and the reason I can't work enough is that this stupid depression makes me afraid to go into public, feel like I'm not good enough to play the gigs or teach the students that musicians with half my talent are out there doing instead of me. I've created this internal sense of what is and isn't good enough, and because I'm not 100% perfect and the best in the world, I feel like I'm not even good enough to leave the house and teach a 10 year old. It's a strange place to be in to realize that I'm a better musician now than I'd ever dreamed I could've become, have had more success than I'd ever dreamed I could've had, and to look around and realize that musicians who aren't half as good as me are getting the work that I want because I can't live up to this impossible standard I've set for myself. If I can't be one of the 10 best in the world at what I do then I feel like a complete failure...despite the fact that some of those who I *do* consider to be the best in the world have time and time again tried to tell me that the only thing holding me back from reaching their level is my belief that I never will.

So, now I'm at a point where I should realistically be able to do anything I want with my life, but I'm sitting in my parents' basement wishing I could summon the energy to shower. I don't dare ask my parents or family for help to see a therapist or get on antidepressants. They absolutely do not understand...it's actually less painful for me to sit in their basement having them think I'm lazy than it would be to admit to them that I need help.

I'm beginning to think that the only way I can help myself is to give up on music and get a job working the register at Walgreens 40 hours a week so that I can afford to get a little studio apartment and a therapist and antidepressants. However, I'm not even sure I could do that since I always end up sabotaging myself eventually. I'm worried that even pushing buttons on a cash register is more than I can handle and that it wouldn't be long before I was fired for calling in sick every time I woke up feeling like I couldn't face the world outside.

So, I just sit in my parents' basement at age 30 writing this note and wondering how I'm ever going to have a life. I don't even want a life...I just want to sit in a room watching Netflix and getting fatter and fatter until I eventually don't have to be alive anymore. There are people all around me living with horrible diseases...losing their children...homeless...being abused...being beaten...starving to death...all these horrible things that people less fortunate than I have been are dealing with. I feel like I should be able to pick myself up and not be worthless because so many others don't have the chance...but that just makes me feel even more worthless and pathetic because I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself and whining about my life. I just wish I could give my life to somebody else who is struggling and let them have it and do something great with it while I just disappear completely.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. I just needed to write this and have somebody hear it because there's nobody in my life I can tell it to.