(((MowtownJohnny))),

Yes, this is how the "healing" goes with complex PTSD. This is what "complex PTSD" presents, this feeling of how "hard and sad and frustrating and challenging it is". Yes, it is up and down and often "tiring" too.

This is why I keep telling you "patience, patience, patience and lots of "self comforting". I agree, it can be "very lonely" at times too, I get challenged with that myself.

Two nights ago my husband came in from his night job and he was not in the door two seconds and began to "snap" at me. That "triggered" me badly and I didn't sleep well and the next day I was "dazed" and somewhat "disassociating" and I lose track of "time" when that happens. I suddenly could not remember "what" day of the week it was and because I work weekends was frantic thinking yesterday was Friday and I had a list of things I needed to get ready for the weekend.

At least I am able to "track how I was triggered and why" and even though I struggled, it was no where near as bad as I used to get.

Unfortunately, I live with a person who had "abused me" and even though he doesn't drink anymore and has gained considerable ground by consistently going to AA meetings and working hard on his bad behavior issues, he still has bad habits in how he treats me at times. In many ways he is actually a "good person" however, he still slips and "pushes my buttons and triggers me". When that happens I can have "night terrors" of the times he "did some bad things" in our relationship.

I often get "frustrated" when I get triggered and "struggle" and it is very easy for me to "slip into self criticism" too. However, I have also been consistently reminding myself to "self comfort" and "be patient" and "not allow myself to feed into self defeating thought patterns".

((Mowtown)), you need to understand that your "emotional injuries" evolved over a substantial amount of time. So it is going to "take you time" to slowly work through "how you were injured" and slowly develop "healthier thinking patterns" instead of the old ways you had "compensated' and never really "healed".

If we could actually draw a picture of these "injured" areas of your brain, it would look like many spots where you were injured and each and every area needs to be "validated and comforted and attended to" not only by others, but also by "you".

After these areas are "consistently addressed by you and a therapist and even others that will validate and comfort you", you will slowly begin to gain and develop healthier ways of understanding yourself and actually gaining.

When someone (or even any mammal) is traumatized, they will always be "sensitive" to certain "cues" that are reminders of the "trauma". We are designed that way simply to ensure our "survival". It "takes time" to address these "cues" and finally get to a point where you can "experience them" and be "aware" but realize that a "traumatic" event is not taking place right "now". Also, by slowly developing "new skills" that you "practice over and over" each time you have a "cue", you begin to "gain more and more skill at controlling again".

Remember Mowtown, no matter what we learn, we never develop a true "skill" until we actually "practice" it. This is why doctors and other professionals are called "practices". As in "anything" our sense of "well being and confidence" is born through gaining a sense of "ability" as we "practice" and "gain" more and more in our ability to do a "function" with more and more ease. We all get "frustrated" when we are trying to develop "any skill" and make a mistake somehow. Everyone experiences "anger at self and a sense of self disappointment" when they "make a mistake". With PTSD, this is "magnified" because we are working to "heal an injury".

You need to "accept" that you are going to continue to "struggle" like this, however, even though you have these "down days" you "can" gain on them gradually. Always remember, the "gain is in lots of self care and making sure you are around others that can "support" your overall goal in finally "healing".

(((Hugs)))
OE