I have been debating with myself for a good while about whether to post here or not.

I have been diagnosed with BPD (and depression but it is irrelevant for this post) and I understand, accept and agree with the diagnosis. It is a relatively recent thing therefore I have a fairly short history of being more or less self-aware and actually researching personality disorders.

It has been very challenging to see how BPD affected my relationships with significant others - those I loved - and the picture is somewhat typical with all the clinging and neediness.

However, these patterns only apply to a number of my relationships - those with men I loved, admired, gave control over to.

That said, there is a good 70% of my past relationships that were actually designed very, very differently! Relationships in which I was in full control, master of life and death. Relationships that were in no way fulfilling to me but rather amusing and - no doubt - absolute heaven balancing on a knife's edge for the man involved. I'm talking about men who strived to be good enough for me, men I never really took seriously, men who thought I was the absolute pinnacle of all creation.
Men who felt beyond fortunate to be associated with me in the minutest ways...

My understanding of NPD comes mostly from talks with mental health pros, reading posts here and on PF and being somewhat familiar with Sam Vaknin's work.

I found that I can relate more than what I am comfortable with.

I believe I am NOT capable of "equal" love. I am either submissively vulnerable to a man I adore and admire without limits (no, the guy HAS to be on top of his game, I do NOT fall for losers) or it is the other way round; I am the alpha and omega.

In the second case, I must say I am unable to feel love, respect or even just compassion. The simple fact that someone needs me that much makes me feel somewhat disgusted, claustrophobic and definitely spiteful of said person.

I have ended a number of relationships with such men and I found their pathetic efforts to hold on repulsive. I have cut off some of them in rather awful ways, feeling literally contaminated by their nauseating clinginess.

My best interpretation is that I am a borderline with ice cold narcissist traits.

I can fully, FULLY relate to BOTH sets of experiences.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts,

Edda