Another suggestion Mowtown.

When a young child is "frightened or hurt" a parent is "supposed to" comfort that child until he/she calms down and a parent is supposed to "discuss the bad hurt" until the child slowly actually "does calm down" and relaxes. This is called "nurturing". As a parent continues to "nurture" a human child, that child slowly develops "in their brain" the proper "self soothing" and "self comforting" on his/her own and their brains "slowly develop" ways to actually "deal with discomfort and fear and frustrations".

When a child is abused either emotionally or physically in some way, they are not taught "how to self sooth or have a strong sense of "self worth" that we call "self esteem". And the child begins to try to find ways to "compensate" and they never really have that original "calming" that a parent is supposed to help them with so their brains can actually "manage whatever incoming confusing messages that most children experience while developing".

What I hear you doing is that when you are having a "bad day" and are triggered to where you begin to produce "cortisol" in your brain that is getting you ready to "Fight or Flight", you get on your bike and try to "burn it off". That is only "one way" to burn off "cortisol" though.

The other way is by developing ways to send a signal to your brain that "there really is no need to "fight or flight" and the thought patterns have no "disturbing cues" in them that signals the "cortisol" to keep pumping into the brain that eventually tells the entire body, "time to act".

If a child is "not nurtured" they do no learn "how to practice this" and instead they become "hyper vigilant" and stressed and they develop other ways to try to deal with this discomfort, including "disassociate". However, a lot of other disorders can begin to take shape too. Some children withdraw into themselves, some children begin to act out and throw tantrums, and some children slowly develop narcissism that is not a healthy narcissism but that of a "bully" or "other unhealthy ways of gaining attention and sense of "control". Side note: most likely this is what your father developed in his childhood because judging by the way you describe his treatment of you, he did not know how to "nurture a child" and instead was only a "bully" to his own child.

What you need to "practice" more of Mowtown, is slowly learning how to develop techniques where "without acting on the build up of cortisol", teaching yourself to distract your mind into thought patterns that do not send "urgent signals" so your brain actually "stops producing the cortisol" and it begins to "dissipate" to where you are "calm again" and can "think more clearly" verses struggling with "urges and anxiety". This is the "just" that many others often suggest that people who struggle with "complex PTSD" are very challenged with to a point where they get very "overwhelmed".

What you are describing with these "bad days" is how something has "triggered you" and you go back to the time in your childhood and you end up genuinely struggling in an "emotional flashback" that you never understood "how to fix" and you "were not properly nurtured to help you develop "skills" in how to "adjust and just". That very important piece is "missing" Mowtown, and it is really not your fault, so you really need to stop "self punishing which only makes it worse and is "totally unfair to "you"".

Mowtown, ALL MAMMELS REQUIRE NURTURING from their parents. And if an animal is in the wild and their parent is not there to supply this, they do not survive.

However, you are human and you can "learn" how to establish these "missing nurturing skills/needs that you failed to receive as a child". But it "does take time and "patience" and a "good therapist" that you can finally "trust" and can "nurture you" in a way that validates and encourages you that your "father" failed to provide for you.
This is the "first basic skill a therapist must know how to establish" with a patient, and not all therapists understand this, so it is important that you keep reaching out until you "find the right match" in a therapist that you feel "comfortable working with". If a "therapist" reminds you of your father or you feel like you are going to be
invalidated, first try to discuss this with the therapist, if this therapist fails to understand this, then fire him/her and try a different therapist.

Also, what you need to learn is how to "not just act on a cortisol build up" but instead distract your mind to "calm thoughts and slower breathing" that actually signals the brain to say, "Oh, no emergency, no need to pump up on cortisol" and it actually stops producing cortisol and your brain calms down again. This is done by listening to "easy calm music like country western" or reading a book that has calming slow themes for the brain to contemplate, or watching a movie that doesn't have any "violence and has comforting messages in it" or practicing meditation.

Also DBT and CBT therapy helps because you learn how to better understand "uncomfortable cues" that others give off and have responses both to yourself and in responding to the person sending the cues, that helps you have a better sense of "control" which always signals or controls the "cortisol build up". Many of these "responses learned in these two therapies" are the things your parents lacked in properly teaching you as a child too. So, by finally taking these therapies, you can begin to "fill that gap that you just had not developed early on and tend to "self punish unfairly for".

Your father (if he is still living) and even your mother, are most likely going to continue being "dysfunctional" and they are not the only people out there that have these "dysfunctional" behavior patterns. You cannot "change" that, however, you "can" change how they affect you and how you respond to anyone who is "dysfunctional" and sends out "triggering cues" that you never learned how to respond to internally and externally before through "no fault of your own".

One of the things that "I" do, is when I am triggered and get all "wound up and confused in my mind", I go up to my room, where I have developed a "safe zone" and I lay down and just relax and let my mind "float" for about 1/2 hour or as much time as I need. I have found that after a while, I "do" feel better and I am ready to get up and can actually think "clearly" again.

For a while, I would struggle at night too, I was often woken up with troubling thoughts and didn't sleep well. I found that if I could find something to listen to on TV that was calm and educational, I could fall asleep thinking about that instead of spinning my wheels with my own issues.

Understanding what "complex PTSD" means and choosing to "not feed into it, but instead develop new skills to finally fill that void you have that is causing this ongoing disturbance", is how you "finally heal" and begin to "slowly" gain.

The human brain is amazing and you "can" learn how to overcome this ongoing challenge verses consistently feeding into it and "self punishing" for something that is "really not your fault and can be fixed with patience and time". Often people who struggle "reinforce the pain or injury" without realizing it. I have noticed that you are doing that without realizing it Mowtown, and that is very common in the early stages of experiencing the challenge and not understanding how to "self help or understand it". That is why it is "paramount" to learn about it and develop the "right" support system so you "can slowly heal and develop the skills you need that were not given to you so very long ago".

((((And lots of Caring Hugs to tell you I hear you and you deserve to heal))))
OE