Hi, all, I haven't posted here on this forum before. In a nutshell, I was in a day hospital program a year ago, very unhappy, depressed with anxiety after a client threatened to shoot me, which triggered a major bout of PTSD due to my abusive childhood with domestic violence involving firearms. Anyway, the entire experience scared me to death, and I vowed to change all around, re-invent myself in a much better way.

One big thing, I was 60 lbs overweight, eating just junk, drinking a ton of pop. I have gone up and down all of my life, but never went up that much. It was awful, I felt terrible.

So, the day after I got discharged, literally, I joined a gym, hired trainers and a RD, started going to various doctors to get my physical health problems under control. And I did amazingly well, I shed all of the weight, and am getting really fit, working out a lot, doing strength and resistance training as well as a ton of cardio. I looked great, felt great. I was so proud of myself.

I have thrown it all away in the past 3-4 weeks. Eating wrong, skipping workouts or doing a halfhearted measure. My favorite activity of all, cycling, which was my salvation last year, now is really filled with anxiety, I remember all of the bad things from a year ago that were happening.

And I'm not sure why exactly the self-sabotage? I know I hate myself most of the time, feel like the scum of the earth. I have been immersed in terrible memories the past month, worse than "normal" which is bad enough. My anxiety and depression is back, not as bad as last year, although I have had some pretty dark thoughts in the past week or so.

Emotional eating, there is some of that for sure, it does comfort. Slow-motion suicide, I kind of think so.