I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post in... I'm new to this site... but I've been under a lot of distress over a 'significant' loss.

I started talking to a girl I met online at another support site. We became emotionally intimate pretty quickly. I don't have anyone in my life except my grandma... and I've got the anxious-preoccupied attachment so I became clingy as a result of the quick and intimate bonding. However I also have issues trusting people, so I said inappropriate things in anger in response to the stress I was under (the fear of abandonment). This really upset her, I think, so she became more distant. I kept making the same mistake of implicitly doubting her honesty and sincerity. This kept pushing her away and I kept trying to regain momentum by confiding which probably also distanced as well. She gave me what seemed like the silent treatment... but she probably just cut me out (she has plenty of positive support from friends and family)... I thought I meant something to her... I confided my feelings toward her... because I thought she sent signals of interest... but I was under control of my obsessive tendencies... this created a big mess and she told me to 'let go' and 'stop trying to get me', apparently scared. So now I'm alone again. And I'm a freak. I've become majorly depressed and the loneliness and emptiness have increased. She made me feel worth something (we used to text 24/7). Now I feel like nothing. I self-harmed and had thoughts of killing myself. I idealized her but after she hurt me I devalued her... I just want to be happy. I don't want to be this way. I hate myself so much right now.