</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
reading with interest. you are progressing and it is impressive. we on the other hand...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> oh w_i you have progressed....perhaps you weren't feeling it at the particular time you wrote the post?

to reread thread today is odd as much is disjointed and confusing in this here and now.

the unrelenting stressors haven't really changed much from whatever was posted in thread in general.

it is middle of night or early morning depending on perspective. not good to be awake at this hour....doesn't bode well.

due to survival denial lately much has been ignored as that has been way of keeping upright and going.....but the cost of ignoring this time came with collateral damage. not so innocent bystanders...oh to bells hells.....family knows how to push buttons like no other.

the on again off again therapy this year may have been its undoing. circumstances beyond control of either therapist or client came about. now that some circumstances have changed others have shifted radically in the opposite direction.

if seeking out new therapist we will be able to do that...won't be easy.....and won't be activity we undertake with any pleasure or joy. the different perspective for healing may be good but the foundation that was so delicately being laid was THE anchor in life whether or not we wanted to cop to it.

now that we are w/o anchor we drift. add family and voila instafight! screaming on the hour, every hour, with bonus backtalk from sib and invalidation from parental unit.

kill us now and end this miserable insanity. if only that were a solution instead of a dramatic and morbid thought.

the "shoulds", which we've done much work to counter with coulds, have taken hold with "should be happy", "should be grateful to have what we have", "should swallow feelings and suck it up and get on with family visit....being lucky to have family", "should be better person to parental unit who raised us", "should be able to have handle on all this by now and be able to control emotions enough to pass"....

obviously this time the shoulds won and the coulds are dead dreams.

BOING! just now made connection as to why awake at this hour....benzo yesterday during peak stress affected sleep due to induced nappage from said benzo. ah....that's small comfort but does help as this particular benzo isn't liked by any yet is part of emerg. plan. glad doc keeps rx to date and that we've overcome most of the don't wannas when needing to take this medication.

small comfort. in a different place many years ago we'd have poured a solution at this wee hour. now we think ah not good idea. instead needing to arise at decent hour we'll split the nonfavourite benzo and hope for four hours but be happy to get two.