What is the difference? It feels like the same thing to me, constantly looking over my shoulder, scanning my environment for non-existent threats. Some little punk set me off earlier, little scrawny **** smoking a cigarette. I'm in better shape than he is and would've probably just went and blasted him since he had his window rolled down but he was in the car with 3 other dudes trying to act hard. He was looking at me with a dirty look, muttering something that I am sure was derogatory that I could not hear. This infuriated me to the point where I chased his vehicle down and started yelling at him. Eventually I gave up because they turned down a main road, I was still angry when I saw out of the corner of my eyes the punk *** driver giving me the middle finger. I went down a side street and waited for them in the alley. I had found some rocks and bricks on the ground and was planning on using them in a malicious way against them if they showed up to fight in the alley.

They never showed up, but this totally ruined my day and triggered a lot of self-destructive behavior, I canceled an important appointment. I went back to my house and grabbed some weapons, was roaming the streets seeing if I could find them again, I still remember the car with my photographic memory and the look on that little ****ers face. If I see them again its going down I hate this suburban ****, in the city you only get messed with if you are messing with somebody's money. So due to my paranoia I've been shooting myself in the foot and defeating myself, I canceled an important appointment even though going would've benefited my life. I went to the park and sat there watching the cars go by, basically I was brooding, still "hyper-vigilant" I did this for about a half an hour. Then I wanted to get some alcohol, I killed off the urge the first time, talked to a friend about it. Read the VA website about alcohol abuse and PTSD. Still didn't stop my urge to go to the liquor store and buy myself a 40, now I'm drunk but I'm not angry anymore but my stomach hurts. Now I'm just trying to avoid the compulsion to go buy more, since 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough. I feel fine off just 1 since I haven't drank in so long, but 1 more would be dangerous.