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Originally Posted by cka87
Sorry you are going through the same thing. Tbh this is also my second time In therapy- I quit once before because I couldn't take it and felt like I'd never get better. I don't want to quit again! But like you said I've begun lying to my therapist because its just so hard to change. I don't know what the answer is. Ill see how the appt goes tomorrow and let you know if anything gets better. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk
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I hope your appointment went ok. Just so you know, I think we are similar after I read some of your posts, I too restrict all day and b/p - the therapist keeps repeating "anorexia" to me during therapy - though the diagnosis is really irrevlavent overall.
I am in my later 30's now, when I was 25, I seen a non-ed therapist, and she was the best therapist I ever had, I opened up to her, cried, got angry, was able to be honest, and she emailed, called me, set goals (and remembered them), and really pushed me to eat when I wasn't even as underweight as I am now with my new therapist. She really showed that she herself wanted me to be "healthy" versus just gaining weight (what I feel like the therapist now wants). She set me up with a nutritionist, we talked about everything under the sun and she shared enough of her personal life to connect with me (without really trying).
The new therapist I am seeing (now 10 years later) is training to be an ED - specialist - I really think she has no concept of what secrecy this disorder has, and how it plays with our head like it does.
I am going to be honest I think with mine and tell her everything the next session - and really talk with her about whether I should/should not continue therapy with her. I am afraid to be alone with this disorder and not have someone monitor me even a little.
I think it is important to stay in therapy - but perhaps you could also look for someone else at the same time, just explore...and maybe ask for a first "free" appointment or short meeting to see if you connect. It's your $ and time, and I think (for myself too as I'm experiencing it), that someone who doesn't know the deepest parts of the eating disorders can say/do things (or not do things) to keep us trapped or get worse when our true selves want help.
I was also going to suggest something aside from therapy. Is there something that you really really love to do, that's not connected to the ed? I found recently that I started a casual sport- I had no idea how much I loved it as I used to play in high school and had not played in at least 15 years. Starting this up again helps me disconnect from the eating disorder at least for a short time and re-connect with myself, and it is low impact.