Well it's been over a month and a half since my husband's breakdown and things have really changed. I am now in California with my three sons and my dad. We've been here since Monday, September 9th and have been staying the in house we rented without furniture, sleeping on air matresses and eating take out. That part is not so bad.

The bad part is that since about two weeks before we moved, my husband has been begging me to stay (through my son, of course, since I filed a civil restraint agreement). By the time, he realized that he really blew it big time, my plans had been set in motion. Clothes and belongings and everything had been loaded to be shipped. Lease had been signed for new apartment and all that goes with a move.

The big problem is this. I still love him and since this was the first real blow out like this and because of the stress and (I believe he was taking too many pills to try to help himself from being depressed) the breakdown he had, I don't want to just throw the 31 years together away.

Since I have arrived in California and technically (am not violating the restraint agreement since I'm no longer in NJ) I had been emailing him. Of course, he still feels he is the victim, because of the way my sons turned on him, but I honestly believe that he has no recollection of the things he said and did (because he was not in his right mind. We have agreed to try to work things out in the future. We both may have to go to counselling and we have a lot of work to do.

I told him in no uncertain words, that he is the reason I left and him only. I am willing to work at fixing our very broken relationship and he seems to be as well.

Since arriving in California (and even during the road trip out) I have been very unhappy. I feel like a fish out of water. California, to me seems to be for the younger (My sons' generation) and I am just not fitting in here. I miss the greenery in New Jersey, the forests, trees, my Atlantic Ocean and all the historical parks and recreation near my home. This place is so unfamiliar and different. The only good thing I like here so far is the weather. It stays at around 75 degree almost all year, according to my youngest son who has been living here for the past four years.

Am I crazy to want to go back home, or am I just a stupid, love-sick old women (age 58)? Perhaps it just the unfamiliarity of all of this. But I really do miss New Jersey. Any advice?

Both Home sick, heart broken, and just plain depressed over this whole situation.

Not to mention, that I feel like I am intruding on my sons' lives now. They are all grown and don't need to be taking care of their heartbroken old mother and 87 year old grandfather to boot. They three of them seem to love being here and together for the first time in four years. (They have always been very close and are closed in age as well).

I feel like I can never really have my own life here and really want to go back home. My sons just keep telling me to give it time, but I don't think that time will help, unless my husband comes here to stay with me as well, which, of course, it is too early to even ask him, although the topic had been brought up several times over the past four years, as he promised my younger son that he would like to move out here to be near him as well.

What to do? Scared, depressed, miserable and really homesick.