It's all very confusing. The outer world and the inner. I was at work when I wrote all of that, being perfectly functional, talking with clients and coworkers. The outer world was fine. The battle is all in my head. And anything and everything can set me off. You talked about mammals nurturing their young. "My" cranes, a pair of Sandhills that live in my neighborhood, brought their baby by yesterday for a handout, as they often do. Dad was taking pieces of bread and giving them to the baby, even though the baby is full sized and flies like they do. That was neat to see, and very triggering - my dad never gave me squat except pain. My absolute worst memory, I think, is not one of the violent times, but when I was 7 and desperately wanted him to show me how to pitch and catch. My mother bought me a glove, ball, and bat. And she made him go outdoors with me. He threw it once, and then silently went in and got into drag as he did every night. Creepy scary dude, Norman Bates lite.