Thanks gayleggg. Impossible circle of defeat sure sounds like the perfect description for where I've been for at least the last few years if not longer. I managed to go out for a walk today and passed by my old elementary school and my best friend's house from those days. It's been 18 years since I was last there and have lost touch with that old friend. The weather was perfect and reminded me of what it would've felt like in those days to get out of school on a nice day and go run around and play basketball or video games at my friend's house. I realize looking back that this sadness had already begun by the time I was 10 years old, but it took another 14 to really crush me. Just walked along by that school wishing i could remember what it felt like to enjoy sunshine...to look forward to things, to have hope. It's like my world has been grey for years and years and all I do is drive people away because they get tired of waiting for me to stop being so negative. I guess I hide it all so well that people just assume that there must not be any serious problem...that all I need to do is be positive. I've certainly tried that many times in the past, but the person I pretend to be just to look like a functional human being to others feels like I'm carrying around 25 lbs everywhere I go. If I have to try to add positivity to that it becomes more than I can carry. The only way I can seem to deal with others is through little jokes...making fun of myself, being sarcastic, never fully answering uncomfortable questions and diverting the subject with a little joke and a smile. I don't understand how to genuinely interact with people anymore. I was listening to somebody talk the other day about how it's horrible that people are glued to their cell phones everywhere you go now, and all I could think was how much easier cell phones make my life...I screen the call at home and carefully plan the conversation and take hours to summon the mental energy necessary to call the person back. When I'm out and forced to be in social situations I always pull out my phone so I can appear to be busy and not have to clumsily interact with people. I'm not even playing Angry Birds or anything...just randomly hitting buttons on my phone and hoping people will let me be in peace until I can escape back home away from it all. Facebook is actually the only way I can talk to most people. People always tell me how much they love my Facebook posts and how clever or funny they are. I've had all these people tell me I should be a comedian or comedy writer...but all I'm doing is trying to reach out and connect with the outside world in the only way that I feel comfortable doing so because I can write out a thought and edit it and don't have to try to fight to get a word in because I'm soft-spoken and polite and try not to interrupt others. Anyway, it's funny people know me better through Facebook than they do in real life. People who have never heard me say more than a few sentences in real life have read paragraphs and paragraphs from me on Facebook.

Well, this has just been more rambling about myself, but it feels good to type it and anonymously hit "send".