It's kind of tough because, even though I'm 30 and way too old to have moved back in with my parents, they still treat me like I'm 13 and never moved out. I really need to be back out on my own and 100% financially independent to start treating this...otherwise my mom will be snooping through my insurance info, asking what the pills are for, asking me where I'm going when I leave for appointments. They are people who don't understand mental illness at all...my whole family is extremely judgmental. My mom would take my need for therapy as a personal insult and make her think that she had failed as a mother. The rest of my family would judge me for being weak. I already have family members accusing me of trying to mooch off my parents and thinking I'm lazy and don't want to work. Attempting to explain the pain I'm in would make matters worse. Despite the fact that my mother being absolutely ridiculously and being a huge part of the reason I'm so screwed up to this day, I know she meant well and tried her best, so I don't want to cut my family out of my life or it would crush her...the same way it would if she realized just how messed up I am and how easy it is for me to trace so much of my unhappiness back to her.

Pull myself up by the bootstraps just doesn't seem to have any effect anymore, so, the only solution I can see is to get a job, move out on my own again, and become 100% able to handle my own life so that I can continue hiding my true self from my family. I should have absolutely no problem making that happen solely through teaching music lessons and performing, but I just don't think I'm mentally prepared for that since so much of my anxiety, depression, stress, etc stems from music. More than likely, I just need to get a job that seems doable...like at a drug store, Target, or shoe store or something. A job that I can just wake up and go to without having to stress too much over whether or not I am good enough to do it. I'm used to making very good money teaching and playing, so I don't know how I'd handle working for minimum wage, but at least it might be enough to get my life started again and allow me to get help. I'm not a person who needs or cares about expensive apartments, cars, clothes, gadgets, etc so I should be able to manage. But the two worries I have are 1) that my depression will cause me to lose the job and end up right back where I am now 2) that I will be abandoning music...the one and only thing about this life that makes sense to me and give me meaning (despite the fact that it's also the biggest cause of my troubles). I feel like it may be very difficult to find my way back into the music world if I abandon it to work 40 hours a week in a shoe store.