Lately, I don't know why I have such a fear of going to gay bars - including friendly bear bars. I do know that part of it is my deep, deep knowledge that I don't really fit in anywhere. Put me in a gay bar and immediately I really don't want to be there. I see people having fun and I don't know how to. I know that my heart is empty and that love does not feel good. People flirt with me and I find it terrifying rather than taking it as a complement. If people express a sexual interest that I'm not ready for or, worse, if I don't find them attractive, then I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth. I panic beyond belief. I'm being paid a complement and all I get is upset. T's have told me to "pretend as if" I'm happy but all I know that is I'm lying and I don't feel good about it. And, what do I drink? I have lost my taste for the favored beverage of bears - beer.

There are some physical reasons why I also have fear, e.g., I have been injured having sex. (I injure easily and am very clumsy.) My tendency to develop urinary tract infections (from glucose intolerance) and having IBS complicates things medically and sexually. There is no one single thing that makes me avoid sex. So, any desire to be sexual is complicated by a lot of things.

I will try to force myself to go to a Sunday afternoon bear bar. (I'm not much of a night person - I am too tired.) I will let you know how it goes.