Hi ((((((((Dexter))))))))

Sounds like these feelings and issues have been going on for quite a while and now you were able to in a way release them. I can relate to many of the aspects of your post.

I guess for me, in some similar situations I have had as you said that these people are really not 'bad people' or anything that is the part I can relate to, the fact that I care about these people and they would be so much easier dismissed if they actually were horrible monstorus people. The fact that I care about the people who are like those you mentioned is what causes me hurt and pain.

I have learned in therapy that I have some types of abandoment issues which cause for me to be very sensitive to things like unreturned phone calls or e mails, letters, and contacts I do make. The effort I do make to get up the nerve to contact some of the people I do care about is alot due to the very fear of what many times seems to come with it. Deeeeelayed reply's. I don't believe that the people realize how it is to be in the house alone all the time without contact, along with the depression. I feel like when I get one of these delayed reply's that by the time I get it, I have been thinking about the fact that they haven't reply'd for so long that in my mind I have already given up on them in a sense that when I do finally hear from them I get the opposite feeling that one would expect to be 'normal', instead more like anger or detached emotions. In my mind they have already hurt me and the call has came just a little too late.

Tonight I had a friend who called me that I have not heard from for over 3 weeks, and he said he wanted me to come over and see him and his wife. I said I would think about it. My immediate reaction was what does he want from me. Why all of the sudden after all this time does he call out of the blue. I am not going. Basicaly I do not have anything else to do, though the call came just quite a few weeks too late.

I am sorry I am going on and on here, I guess I am trying to say hang in there and that I can relate and know how much these things hurt. I do hope that it does help you at least to have gotten it out and that it is floating around on the web for others to read and that they may feel alot the same way, and help to know they are not alone.

I really hope that things begin to look up, and that your friends will start to understand your feelings and needs better. I had contacted a friend I hadn't talked to for 10 years and when I tried to explain to her of my disiabiliy and mental health. She said "I don't get it, you weren't crazy when we ran around together in High School" I did not take offense, only made me realize how much she did not understand about the "me" that changed over the years.

I'm sorry this reply is so long. Hope things get to going more positive for you. Take it easy.

Chris

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!