I'm really sorry for your abuse and the death of your parent. No matter how abusive parents are, kids have love for them and loss of parent still hurts.

My story - My father molested me multiple times. But it's his words which broke me. Most of my teenage, I only remember his ridicule that I was too stupid to do anything. On most days I just used to feel "I don't why my father even comes back from office." He often told my brother and I when we were teenagers that he's going to leave us (he never did). His wonderful advices for my life included "Never get married....become a career woman." He controlled me with sheer presence.

One day, when I was watching TV, he walked in the room. He didn't order, ridicule or anything. With a friendly voice....he said "can we watch this instead?". I obliged.

When the program ended, he just left after wishing me good night. I couldn't control my thoughts.....I just said in my mind "life would be so perfect if it would have been just mom, brother and me...." and out of the blue a thought came "I just wish dad would die"...even though he didn't say or do anything that day.

Believe it or not...he suffered a near fatal stroke 2 days later. He survived but his mobility severely reduced. He had to resign from his job. He started getting double vision. 5 yrs later, he died.

When my mother gave me the news of his death over the phone....the first thought that came to my mind was "good....he won't molest anyone anymore."

I didn't cry much at the funeral. I didn't cry much even after that. But I remember crying a lot whenever I heard some songs....I felt really sad and sorry for his fate....he had become very child like after stroke....it also felt like losing your child who depended on you for their safety.

Slowly....I fell into depression. They say people who were in a bad relationship are more likely to fall into depression after the person's death, because you have no positive memories to cherish and you blame yourself for being resentful towards them. Heck...in my case, I wished for his death....though not consciously....it just came suddenly in my head.

During the course of my depression....I finally admitted to myself that my father had sexually abused me (till that day, I convinced myself that it was a figment of my imagination). Initially, I defended his actions (oh....maybe it was work pressure....maybe because grandfather was dying with cancer...maybe he was sexually abused himself....blah blah).

Slowly...I learned to accept that it happened without defending him. Then slowly....I became angry at my father...especially when I think about how he robbed my childhood....how badly he screwed up my brother and turned him into a narcissist.....how he made my mom burden all responsibilities of home....while he took responsibilities he liked...earning money. He used his daughter to gratify himself. He held my mother in a sham marriage, fooled her and kept her in a delusion that it's a perfect marriage by showering a few praises.

Today, when I think about it....I have a few fond memories of my father. He did a few good things in life. But that still doesn't make him a good person. He was the adult. He could have seeked help. He didn't. He probably might have guessed that the abuse will damage me....he didn't care.
I also like to think that I had 2 different fathers - one before stroke....the abusive jerk and one after stroke...a softie who showered affection who had become baby like.....but NEVER regretted any of his actions.

All in all....he was extremely WRONG in doing what he did. I thank him wholeheartedly for providing us with food, home, education and occasional love. I thank him for taking care of my mother......since according to her, she's had a "happy, blissful marriage."

I took care of him when he suffered stroke. Even if he were to magically reappear, I would still take care of him. If he needed a kidney from me to save his life, I would happy to give him. My love for my father is still unconditional as every child has.

But that love does not erase the anger I have for him. It doesn't change the fact that he abused us, ruined our childhood, left me some scars for life. I will NEVER forgive him for that. He failed as a parent.

If a person has to be appreciated for a good deed....they also have to be reprimanded for their bad deeds. A parent may get the nicest book, healthiest food and softest bed for their child, but if they are abusive towards them....all these actions really mean nothing.

Finally, where it leaves me with my dad - On some days I have fond memories, on some days I have bitter. I thank him for all the good things he did for us, but I also cannot forgive for his abusive actions. I don't want a "sum total of good actions minus bad actions". It will continue to remain dysfunctional. I have emotionally distanced myself from him.

I am happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I would never be abused by him and molested by him again. Sad....because he was my father and after his stroke, we had become a little closer .I however have to live with the fact, that I would ALWAYS feel guilty and responsible for his death....because I wished that.