That sounds horrible, Otter. Unfortunately, it also sounds familiar. My father used to get drunk and threaten the neighbors, when he wasn't stumbling around the backyard moaning and crying as loud as he could. My mother would get into verbal feuds with the neighbors. Seriously embarrassing, especially when kids at school commented. My parents never apologized though, so at least you've got that. Maybe your bipolar disorder would be easier to handle if your husband went to rehab or joined AA or something? I'm sure you've already thought of that though.

I know exactly what you mean by wishing for normal problems. I see other people who seem so much more stable and emotionally mature than I am, and it's beyond me how they got to be that way. Are there really people who are fairly happy with their lives despite the ups and downs, or are they just good at keeping up appearances? I really don't know.

Something I would love to learn is how not to take every word and action as a threat or a ploy to gain my trust so I can be humiliated later. An acquaintance told me that I act like I'm in high school. Well, sometimes the world feels like that to me, with the popular kids pretending to like me so they can do something horrible and laugh about how I believed their offers of friendship, and with the bullies just flat-out being bullies. I don't trust anyone other than my husband and kids.

I know this stems from my upbringing. I couldn't trust my parents. They almost never took my side, or made me feel like I was a worthwhile person. If I got into an argument with a classmate, my mother would take my classmate's side. I remember crying and telling one girl that she had to go home, and my mother saying, "No, Becky can stay. She's my friend." Becky and I were both around 6 or 7, and my mother was around 45 or 46; it was really bizarre, and I can't tell you how much it hurt.

There were a lot of horrible episodes while I was growing up; far too many to list here. The thing is, I wish I could keep them from affecting my life now. I want to be happy, but I keep sabotaging myself with my behavior.

Kinda sucks, you know?