Thank you all for posting replies to me. I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back but I was unable to come online with all of the stuff going on and now I am also coming down with the flu or something. I know it is because I haven't been taking care of myself very much but I am trying to do batter at that. I tried talking to a friend about whats going on with me and finally was able to tell her sort of about the sexual stuff and she didn't act at all like I was afraid she might, but she did seem to turn it around to her problem (like she always does, and I'm not saying I don't ever do this either but to this so-called friend it is always about her or how something can be turned to her benefit), but atleast she didnt think I was as horrible as I felt I was- so that was a big thing for me. I am still looking into finding some therapy and I have been praying to God for help in the mean time and I feel he has gotten me through to where I can think more objectively now. When I wrote the post I was in the middle of a 4 day period of panic and depression and it DID help me so much to know that someone out there cared even a little bit. I read your reply's but couldn't answer until now. I still have moments when I feel myself becoming numb as if I am watching myself but can't really feel myself. I just the other day learned that the person who sexually assaulted me is now living in the same area I live in and wants to see me sometime! I am trying to avoid going out and I am worried about what will happen if he comes to see me. I feel as if I would truly lose my grip on reality or something (like I would withdraw so far within myself I could not come back out- I felt this happening to me the other day and again when I heard he was looking for me). I do not know if I can put on a normal face and just conversate or whatever until I can get away. Just thinking about it makes me feel like a deer in headlights, and it has been a long time since the assault happened or I have seen him. Everyone thinks I am over-reacting to him coming around, even the one person I told about what happened, she says I should just look him in the eye and tell him where to go. I really appreciate all your advice and help. I am going to check with social services as soon as I feel a little better (don't want to get everyone sick with the flu). If that doesn't pan out I am thinking of trying to at least talk to a pastor or someone. The people I know just do not seem to be willing or able to give me any kind of productive advice. I think that God led me to finding this board/site and also he has helped me to see things more clearly than I have been up to this point. I wonder in a way if all these things are happening to me at once because it is Him trying to wake me up to the reality of how my life is and the people in my life vs. how I percieved things to be and how I overlooked or suppressed anything that made me feel hurt or abused/used. I do not know if I can figure out a way to really change things around for myself but I hope so. Thank you all again, so much.